Ninja Slush
by ShaperV
Summary: A holding pen for the plot bunnies that keep multiplying whenever I turn by back. This is back-burner stuff that I don't expect to do anything with until after my other stories are complete, if then. Rated for safety.
1. One Little Change

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto.

* * *

It's funny how one little thing can change your whole life. For me it was an offhand comment from Ebisu that made the difference.

I was finally getting the hang of water walking, after falling in that stupid ice-cold lake about a million times. Good thing Kakashi-sensei noticed the seal that snake freak put on me in the Forest of Death was still there, because I'd never have gotten anywhere with that thing screwing up my chakra. Anyway, Ebisu was making me go through kata on the lake, just to prove I could concentrate on something else and still stay on the water. Of course he also had to point out every stupid little mistake I made, which was pissing me off, but then he did something no one but old man Hokage had ever done.

"So tell me, Naruto, what do you hope to learn from this training? Do you know what kind of ninja you want to be, and what you need to learn to get there?"

"I need a cool technique that'll let me kick Neji's butt! Oh, and I guess I'll have to learn a lot of techniques to become Hokage."

Yeah, I was a real idiot back then. But I was surprised enough by the question that I actually listened to what he said next.

Ebisu chuckled. "Techniques are all well and good, Naruto, but they're only tools. Do you know what makes the difference between a really great ninja and an also-ran?"

"Duh, they're really strong."

"Yes, but how did they become so strong? It's not bloodlines or genius or special training, although those things can certainly make it easier. The key difference is that most ninja concentrate on building up their strongest ability, and that dependence makes them vulnerable to an opponent with the proper counter. An elite ninja, on the other hand, builds up every strength he possibly can and then takes constant advantage of all of them."

He went on into lecture mode after that, and I tuned most of it out. But that thought stuck with me. Be strong in as many ways as you can. Take full advantage of all your strengths. Yeah, that did make sense.

"Ok, Naruto, that's enough for today. Tonight I want you to think of three strengths you have compared to the rest of your age group, and at least one thing you can do to take advantage of each of them. Meet me back here at eight tomorrow, and we'll talk about your ideas."

"Sure, Ebisu-sensei." He might be a dorky-looking closet pervert, but I figured I'd be nice to him as long as he was actually teaching me good stuff.

But I bet the Hokages all had a lot more than three strengths.

I spent a long time that night trying to figure out what strengths I've got. I was determined to blow the closet pervert away with all the cool stuff I came up with, and maybe even get started on that 'take full advantage' part.

Everything seems to come back to the damned fox in the end, so it shouldn't be a surprise that I ended up back in front of its prison before the night was through.

"Hey, Kyuubi! You awake in there? Can we talk for a minute?"

Way back in the darkness of the prison, a pair of glowing red eyes the size of houses slowly opened. "What do you want, insect?"

"I want to live, and I bet you do to. So I'm trying to figure out if there's anything we could do to make sure that happens. Are you the reason I always heal so fast?"

The eyes narrowed. "You had what your kind calls a latent bloodline. My presence merely awakened it."

"Oh. Damn, I was hoping there was some way to make it even stronger. Hey, what about that weird thing with my Sexy Technique?"

"You mean the fact that it isn't an illusion? That's the nature of the beast, brat. And don't bother asking for more of my chakra. It's poison to your kind. If you use too much it will overwhelm your puny bloodline and devour you from the inside."

"Ick." I shivered. "Ok, so only use it if I'm about to die anyway." I thought for a minute, but couldn't come up with any other ideas. "Oh well, guess I'll have to try something else. Thanks for talking."

I turned to go.

"Wait." The Kyuubi slowly paced up to the bars of its prison. "There is one thing I can do. What you have now is only a degenerate remnant of the true Divine Health ability. If you're willing, I can awaken the full power of your bloodline."

"That sounds cool. So, is that like super-fast healing, and growing back arms and stuff?"

There was a sound like distant thunder, and after a second I realized the Kyuubi had actually chuckled.

"It's that and more, brat. Disease, poison, malnutrition, chakra damage – it works on anything. As long as your head stays attached and you have either food or chakra you'll recover from anything in a matter of hours."

"Damn, that's as strong as the Byakugan. Wait, this isn't going to turn me into some kind of weird half-fox demon thing or something, is it?"

"No, idiot. I have no intention of giving you any more of my power than that damned seal has already stolen. Now do you want to do this or not?"

Gain an incredible bloodline, or leave empty-handed. Gee, what a hard choice.

"What do I have to do?"

--oOoOo--

Having the fox mess around with my bloodline hurt like hell, and I pretty much just collapsed into bed when it was done. But the next morning I felt better than I could remember ever feeling.

Really, really hungry, but great.

A wall of smells hit me in the face as I walked out the door, followed by a wave of sounds I'd never heard. I stumbled down the street to Ichiraku's in a daze, staring at things I'd never noticed before. I could pick out conversations halfway down the block, and smell every breakfast in the neighborhood. There were colors I'd never seen before, and sounds too!

I stopped to look up at utility tower, and realized the strange high-pitched hum I heard was coming from it.

"Cool!" _Damn, fox, you didn't say anything about super-senses!_

_You think the kami were as deaf and scent-blind as humans, brat? Not likely._

"Oh." I wondered for a minute why he was bothering to answer me now, but my grumbling stomach insisted on breakfast. By my second bowl I was thinking about my assignment again.

_Let's see, I've got super-healing now, and great stamina, so I can fight just about forever. Hey, I bet I can train longer than anyone else too. What else?_

_I've got Shadow Clone, and I can make a lot more clones than anyone else. Hey, wait a minute. A normal jounin can make a couple of shadow clones at once, and do it maybe three or four times before they run low on chakra. I can make hundreds and barely feel it, or make a few dozen and replace them constantly for hours. Holy shit. That means I've got, what, a thousand times more chakra than a jounin? Why didn't anyone ever tell me that?_

"Oh, duh. They don't want me to know."

"Don't want you to know what, Naruto?"

I looked up to find TenTen taking the seat next to mine.

"Oh, hey there. Don't see you here very often." Usually she had morning training with her team, but I guess with Lee in the hospital and her out of the tournament she was out of luck at the moment. I wasn't about to answer her question, of course, but as I was trying to think of something else to talk about an idea struck me.

"Hey, TenTen, do they teach you anything useful in those kunoichi-only classes back at the academy?"

She rolled her eyes. "Hardly. It was all tea ceremony, makeup, calligraphy and courtly manners. Useless crap unless you want to pretend to be a noble lady. Why?"

"Oh, I just figured out some stuff about my bloodline and I was wondering what I could do with it." So much for Kiba's wild stories about "secret kunoichi-babe knockout techniques".

TenTen stared. "You've got a bloodline? I never knew that. But what does that have to do with kunoichi training?"

"Well, I'm not sure if this is a full-blown bloodline, or just a weird quirk. See, I was playing around with some funny illusion techniques, but there's this one variation that doesn't act like it should." I concentrated, and managed to do a Sexy Technique without dispelling my clothes. "When I do this form, it isn't an illusion."

Sakura would have hit me and started yelling. I was pleased to discover that TenTen just looked puzzled.

"What do you mean, 'not an illusion'? What else would it be?" She looked me over carefully, and poked my side with one finger. "Wait." She poked again, and frowned.

I knew what the next step was. "Go ahead. Just don't make a scene."

She glanced around and blushed slightly, but she still poked my boob pretty hard. That's a dead giveaway with a normal illusion, because if they aren't supported by something real they collapse when you touch them. A serious genjutsu expert can get around that, but we both knew I wasn't one.

"My god." She murmured. "A real transformation? Naruto, that's incredible! But you shouldn't go around telling just anyone about that kind of thing."

"Of course not. But I can trust you."

She didn't seem to know what to say about that.

"Anyway, that's just a funny quirk I'm trying to find a use for." I said as I changed back. "Remind me next time I see you, and I'll show you my real bloodline."

She gave me a speculative look as I left for the training ground, but I wasn't worried. Any girl who can talk about my weird gender-swapping jutsu without blowing a gasket is way too nice to be worried about.

Besides, I had so many things to think about. So many ideas that had never occurred to me before. Had I actually gotten smarter somehow?

"Alright, Naruto, let's hear what you've come up with." Ebisu was right on time, unlike a certain other teacher I could mention. I was starting to think training with him for a month wouldn't be so bad after all.

"Ok, first off I've got stupidly huge amounts of chakra. That means my control sucks, but I can throw around lots of big jutsu if anyone will ever teach me one. So I should try to get my hands on some simple, blow-stuff-up type techniques so I'll actually have something besides clones to use in a fight."

"Second, I'm really good with Shadow Clones. Since I can afford to run lots of them all day I should start using them for training, and scouting, and work on making it so no one can tell which one is the real me. If the training part works right I could use that to learn a lot more different things than most people have time for."

"Third, I've got some kind of super-healing bloodline that lets me soak up tons of hits without going down. That's a great surprise for anyone who thinks using the clone decoys means I'm weak, and it also means I can train a lot harder than most people. More realistically, too."

"Well done, Naruto." Ebisu replied. "That's not a bad start. I was planning to work on your taijutsu today, but if you'd like we can try out your idea for clone training at the same time."

"All right!" I'd never had a sensei help me try out with my own ideas like that before. I usually avoid taijutsu practice because I suck so bad at it, but if the clones worked maybe I could actually change that.

Ebisu smiled. "Indeed. Now, tell me about this healing ability…"

The next few days were a blur of training, and at first I was pretty happy. Ebisu was totally paranoid about mass clones, and insisted I couldn't use more than three or four at a time or I'd get some kind of psychic shock thing. But even at that rate my taijutsu was improving pretty quick, and once we tested my elemental affinity he even explained the leaf splitting exercise.

But three days later we were still working on taijutsu, and when I complained that it was getting boring he just gave me the leaf-floating exercise. Then he figured out how slow my replacement technique is, and I got to spend the whole afternoon practicing that one stupid thing.

"Man, I can't believe how much time he wants me to spend on this stuff." I grumbled over my ramen. "I mean, I know I need to get better at it, but a fast replacement technique isn't going to let me beat Neji."

"You've got that right, Naruto." Commented TenTen as she claimed a seat next to me. "But hey, at least you're training. I haven't seen Gai-sensei anywhere but the hospital all week."

I opened my mouth to say something about how lucky she was to at least have a sensei that wanted to teach her, but suddenly realized that would be stupid. Opportunity was knocking here.

So instead, I said "I guess Neji's off doing secret Hyuuga training or something, huh? Hey, I've got an idea. Want to train together?"

She blinked. "Um, I thought you said Ebisu was training you?"

"Yeah, but it turns out I'm some kind of savant with shadow clones." I grinned. "He doesn't like to work with more than three or four at a time, but I can make hundreds and I remember everything they do. I'll just make some extras tomorrow, and he'll never know the difference."

"Oh. Hey, that's pretty impressive." She paused to order, and then turned back to me. "What the heck, I could use a good sparring partner."

So the next day I met up with TenTen and got in some good practice with missile weapons. First I got her to coach me on better throwing techniques, and made some clones to go practice what she showed me. Then I made another batch and we sparred, with me trying to get in close enough to hit her while she tried to kill all my clones from a distance. Most instructors won't let you do that kind of thing with real weapons, so it was kind of a new thing for both of us.

Of course, it was a shock for TenTen the first time she hit the real me.

"Ow!" I stopped to pull the kunai out of my eye. "Damn, that hurts!"

TenTen rushed over in a panic. "Oh my god, Naruto, I thought these were all clones! Shit, your eye! We've got to get you to the hospital!"

"Don't worry, TenTen, I'll be fine." I said. _Shit, I wasn't expecting hits like that. I hope this super-healing thing really works, or I'm gonna feel really stupid going around with only one eye._

But the bleeding was already slowing, and I could feel my chakra rushing to the wound. In a few seconds the pain faded, replaced by a weird tingling.

TenTen tried some kind of first aid jutsu, and gasped. "Naruto? What's going on? The bleeding stopped, and…this doesn't make an sense."

"Remember when I said I had a real bloodline? This is it. I'm supposed to heal just about anything, but I've never lost an eye before. Man, I'd hate to have to fight you for real." Experimentally, I tried feeding more chakra to the wound. The tingling got stronger, and I could practically feel stuff putting itself back together in there.

"Seriously?" She looked at my eye again. "Damn, I can actually it regenerating! You're right, at this rate you'll be healed in a few minutes."

She thought about that for a minute, and lightly bopped me on the shoulder. "Idiot! What were you thinking, scaring me like that?"

"Uh, sorry. I'm used to just getting a few scratches from Sasuke, and Sakura usually can't even hit me. Guess I should have known Konoha's ace weapon mistress would go for the vital spots."

"Idiot." She repeated, but she was smiling now. "Warn me next time you want the real you in the mix, ok? That could have been a lethal hit."

"Nah, not on me. You'd have to cut my head off and burn the body or something. But yeah, I'll make sure you know where the real me is from now on."

I was ready to call up some more clones and get back to training, but TenTen was giving me an odd look.

"What?"

"Nothing." She said slowly. "Just…re-thinking a few things. You know, you'd probably have as big a fan-club as Sasuke if word got out about this."

I snorted. "Yeah, right."

"No, seriously. We love our bloodlines here in Konoha, and that's one of the strongest ones I've ever heard of. Do you have any idea how much time older kunoichi spend worrying that their man isn't coming home from his next mission? Or their children, for that matter? But as long as your enemies don't know what you can do, you can get out of just about any situation."

She smiled mischievously. "Not to mention that you're actually kind of cute, and you're a lot less moody than the Uchiha"

I stared at her, so surprised that my brain just about locked up. Was she saying she…liked me? Girls never like me.

"Um, thanks." I blinked, and realized both eyes had moved. "Hey, I can see again! Ok, let's give this another try."

So I gained a training partner, and maybe a friend. TenTen was fun to practice with, especially since she was a lot more serious about it than any other kunoichi I'd met. Sakura never trained for more than an hour or two unless Kakashi was making us do something, and always took her weekends off. But TenTen was happy to spend eight hours a day at the training grounds, and with me running a dozen clones at a time it didn't take long for our sessions to make a real difference.

A few days later Gai dropped by while we were training, and apologized to TenTen for neglecting her training. He gave us both some pointers on our techniques, but he was a little concerned about my clones.

"Naruto," he said, "it is good that your flames of youth burn so brightly that you're willing do weeks of training in every day. But has my hip rival explained to you the dangers of the Shadow Clone?"

"You mean the whole psychic shock thing? Yeah, don't worry. It turns out I've got some kind of weird jutsu talent with clones. We're not sure what my limit is, but I've used hundreds of them at once with no problem. I never use more than a dozen or so with TenTen, so I should be good."

Of course, that's on top of a half-dozen with Ebisu and another four or five working on the leaf-splitting thing, but I wasn't going to tell him that. Then I'd end up having to explain about my healing, and I was starting to think TenTen was right that I should keep it a secret.

"I see. Then perhaps while your clones pursue skill, you should train your true self in strength and speed."

"Hey, that's a good idea." I replied. "Can you show me the right way to do that?"

So I started wearing weights, and spending most of every day on physical training while my clones did everything else. Gai went back to training TenTen for a couple of hours a day, which cost me some practice time, but the pointers he gave me more than made up for it.

I guess he wasn't too happy with Neji either.

Meanwhile, it turned out that Ebisu wasn't going to bother training me on weekends. I was pretty pissed about that, since it was eight days I wouldn't be learning anything while Neji was getting even stronger. But arguing about it didn't do me any good.

"Naruto, I hope you remember that I'm only doing this as a favor to Kakashi. You should be thankful I agreed to give you as much time as I have. I am one of Konoha's most elite instructors, after all."

It was almost enough to get me brooding, but I've never been the kind of guy who gives up that easy. So Saturday morning I met with a group of clones on top the Hokage monument.

"Ok, guys, listen up. It's pretty obvious now that Ebisu isn't going to teach us anything big, and for sure none of the jounin senseis are going to spend a lot of time on someone that isn't their student. If we're going to kick Neji's ass and get promoted, we're going to have to make it happen ourselves. So let's get busy."

"You." I pointed out a clone. "You head for the training grounds and work on all the taijutsu and weapon stuff we've been learning. But I want you to do it our way. Every time you find something we need to practice make another clone to work on it, and have the clones pop themselves when they get it down. That'll keep at least thirty or forty clones busy."

"You." I picked another clone. "Chakra control and that element stuff. We've got water walking, tree climbing, leaf floating and leaf splitting to work on. Make a bunch of clones to work on all of them, plus doing different combinations at the same time. Oh, and try floating and splitting stuff besides leaves – twigs, paper, cloth, whatever you can find. Maybe it'll make a difference."

"You get to research making new jutsu." I told the next clone. "Send some clones to the library, talk to Iruka and Sakura, bug all the instructors for hints, whatever it takes. If no one's going to teach us any real techniques we're going to have to make our own, and I don't think everything's going to be as easy as Sexy Technique."

"Next guy, you get to rob Sasuke." The clone grinned back at me. "He's got to have scrolls for those fire techniques somewhere. Find them, steal them, and get a some guys working on learning them. I know it's not our element, but if Kakashi and old man Hokage can both use every element I bet we can too. If it takes longer to learn we'll just spend the time."

"What else? Oh, yeah. You spend the day doing recon. Henge into a bunch of different people and find out everything you can about every ninja we've met – the other genin, the instructors, the examiners, everyone. There's got to be some way we can convince someone to teach us a couple of techniques, and you're going to figure out how."

"Last guy, you get the fun part. I want you to figure out what else we can do with Shadow Clone. Can we make clones with less chakra, or more? Can they transfer memories without dispelling, or dispel without transferring anything? Can we make one that can take a hit? How about one that isn't solid? How about just cloning equipment, like shuriken? What happens if a clone tries to make clones? All that kind of stuff. By tonight I want to know more about Shadow Clone than anyone in the village."

"Ok, I think that's everything. While you guys are doing all that, I'm going to see what happens if I ignore all that stuff Gai said about over-training and just up my weights every couple of hours. Oh, and guys? Remember, any time you find out something important or master something new, make a clone and pop it so the rest of us can all find out too."

Yeah, I was wiped out by the end of the day. But it worked like a charm.

Sasuke had a whole set of cool scrolls just tying around, including a half-dozen fire techniques. I blew up about fifty clones before I figured out how to breath fire without burning myself, and it took forever to make all the seals, but it was really just a matter of practice.

By the end of the weekend I had the basic Fire Breath jutsu working pretty well, even if the flame I got was a lot smaller than Sasuke's. I'd also figured out how to clone shuriken, and my clones were lasting a lot longer with a lot less chakra. Sakura was still mad about not making it to the tournament, but Iruka was a big help. Oh, and the thing with the weights actually worked! Every time I upped my weights my body adjusted in a few hours, so I went from 10 lb weights to 50 lb in a couple of days.

Of course I still couldn't cut a leaf, but I was finally starting to feel the wind. I figured that was the real point anyway.

The next week I started visiting Hinata in the hospital, which got me in good with her sensei Kurenai and gave me two more people to answer questions and bounce ideas off of. I found out about Asuma being wind-natured, and started bugging him for hints about wind chakra every now and then. I tried talking to just about everyone I'd met at least a couple of times, and found out that Ino, Shikimaru, Kiba and Chouji were all willing do a little training together as long as I didn't get carried away.

But my big break was meeting Jiraiya.

I was out on the lake by the hot springs, trying out a crazy idea involving my transformation technique. I'd long since figured out how to change the age and appearance of my girl form, so why not other things? Could I be super-strong, like Sakura sometimes seemed? How about super-fast, or so sexy a guy couldn't stand to hurt me? Oh, and would stuff like that transfer to my clones?

I'd made a bunch of clones before I started, so I could have something to test myself against, and some of it seemed to be working. By late afternoon I was a seventeen year old girl with long legs, incredible muscle tone and a killer figure, and my clones were starting to get jealous. I was taking on three of them at once and holding my own when I heard clapping from the shore.

"Oh, what a beautiful sight! If only more kunoichi trained with their sisters like that!"

I frowned at the old guy across thirty feet of open water. He looked like a ninja, but that wasn't a Konoha forehead protector. Or was it? Hadn't I seen a picture like that in the library a few days ago?

"Are you…Jiraiya?" It looked like that Sannin symbol, and he sure wasn't Tsunade or Orochimaru.

"Indeed I am, little lady. Jiraiya the toad sage, at your service. But I don't remember your face from the chuunin records."

I grinned at him. "I'm Konoha's number-one most surprising ninja, Uzumaki Naruto!"

I dispelled the clones and tried to do the same with the transformation, but it didn't feel right. Looking down confirmed that I still had boobs – I'd dropped my age a couple of years, but everything else was still the same.

"And…um…sometimes I even surprise myself. Damn, so much for a good first impression. I don't suppose you know how to fix a screwed-up transformation technique?"

He laughed and strolled out onto the lake.

"Sure, kid. I should have known you were too perfect to be real. Here, a simple Kai should do the trick…"

"No, wait it isn't an illusion. Well, the clothes are but the body isn't."

His eyebrows rose. "Oh, I didn't realize henge streaking was back in fashion."

"It's not like that!" I insisted. "Do you know how expensive girl clothes are? I can't afford that, especially since I'm still trying to decide what to look like."

His eyebrows went even higher. "Maybe you'd better tell me exactly what you were doing, kid. Transformation techniques can be lethal if you screw them up, you know."

By the time I'd finished explaining I was starting to think his eyebrows were going to pop off and fly away. But he was still a sanin.

"Well, kid, if you're not burning chakra right now that means you've actually changed your natural form somehow. So you'd have to transform again to get back to normal."

"Oh. That makes sense." I concentrated, and sure enough I felt that distinctive tingle of a real transformation as I switched to my real appearance. "Whew, it worked. Thanks."

"No problem, kid." He sighed. "Although I miss the kunoichi look already."

I chuckled. "Yeah, sexy-chan's seriously hot. But it's hard to fight with boobs that big, and long hair is just impossible."

"Hmm. You know, kid, I could show you a couple of techniques to help with that…"

I was back in sexy form in a flash. "Teach me, sensei!"

Jiraiya was a pretty friendly old guy, even if it was a little creepy to catch him checking me out now and then. But he showed me a bunch of kunoichi balance exercises and the Hair Animation technique, which could actually be a decent weapon for me since I could transform my hair to any length I wanted. We went for ramen together after training that evening, and I explained a lot about my situation.

"I just wish I could have a sensei who'd actually teach me." I complained at one point. "I mean, I get that no one wants to hand out their best stuff to a genin, but I've got to have something to work with. I'm up against Neji in the tournament, and if Gaara beats Sasuke I could end up fighting him too. I'm not going to beat either of them without some good attack jutsu."

"True enough, kid. What's your sensei been teaching you, anyway?"

I snorted. "Kakashi did some teamwork exercises and showed us tree climbing. Ebisu gave me some cool advice about how to set up a training plan, but he won't actually teach me anything new. We just spend all day doing basic taijutsu drills and polishing those academy techniques."

Then I had an idea. "Hey, maybe you could show me a few things? You've got to have tons of cool techniques, right? I just need a way to actually hit Neji, and maybe something that can punch through Gaara's sand armor. That's not too much to ask, is it?"

"Well, I don't know kid. That could take a week or two, and I've got a lot of research to do…"

"Pleeeese?" I gave him my best puppy-dog look, but his eyes went straight to my cleavage.

He chuckled. "Maybe I should have you stay like that the whole time."

"Sure." I shrugged, and had to smile a little at the way his eyes followed the motion. It was really kind of funny. "I can do that. I need to get used to this body anyway, and it's a lot stronger than my real one."

"Really? That's a pretty impressive technique right there, you know. But alright kid, you've got yourself a deal."


	2. Taking Responsibility

Tsuande had been Hokage for less than a day, and she already hated the job. Her new office was cluttered with piles of unfinished paperwork, crop reports and tax assessments mixed haphazardly with assassination orders and secret intelligence reports. The floor safe under the desk was packed with more papers, detailing decades of intrigue and black ops even most ANBU knew nothing about. Her official calendar already had a dozen meetings blocked out for the coming week, and she was certain it would get worse.

Jiraiya entered with a bottle of sake in each hand, and offered her one before turning to close the door. She accepted it without a word, and poured herself a drink as he began throwing up privacy seals. Then she saw which seals he was using, and frowned. She watched in silence for a moment, then leaned forward to sweep the paperwork off her desk in one violent motion. The documents fell to the floor with a crash, and she smirked.

Finally Jiraiya finished his work, and claimed the seat in front of her desk. He raised his bottle and said, "To Minato. The best man I ever knew."

She raised her own bottle in reply. "Yeah. Gods, I wish he was still with us."

"Me too, princess. But it's just us now, and thanks to the old man things are worse here than ever. Old Danzo's going to put a knife in your back if you give him half a chance, and you've seen how they treat the boy. Business as usual isn't going to cut it."

She nodded. "I know. I don't know if we can pull it off without him, but we have to try. We owe it to Naruto, if nothing else. I don't suppose you ever finished that last assignment?"

The toad sage grinned. "Oh, I'd say I made a bit of progress. Most of those books the summoners pull in from other worlds are useless crap, just like we expected. But I found some amazing stuff. A new approach to cryptography that makes our codes look like little kids using pig latin. The single best book on military thought I've ever seen, and a bunch of physical training manuals from some place with huge biological research programs. Oh, can't forget the military field manuals from that 'America' place – those guys are just insanely thorough about documenting the nuts and bolts of how to pull off every kind of military operation you ever heard of."

"And the lecher persona?" She asked. "There's got to be a story behind that."

He snorted. "Yeah, the story of an idiot named Jiraiya who couldn't tell the difference between propaganda and reality. Or maybe it was all some weird kind of fiction, who knows? Anyway, there's a bunch of fun sex techniques some of those worlds have that we never invented here, but you can't actually control minds like that. On the good side, I know a couple dozen kunoichi on deep-cover infiltrations who'd love to defect if we'll actually give them decent jobs and protect them from retaliation."

"Typical." Tsunade chuckled. "Like the Fourth always said, if you treat your people like tools you shouldn't be surprised when they betray you for someone who doesn't. I think the most depressing part of my research was finding out how many of our problems really are self-inflicted."

"Really? So you found a summon world with better psychology?"

"What we call psychology is primitive voodoo bullshit. There are at least three different worlds where they have measuring tools and math for that kind of thing, and one where they can build minds the way we'd design a new jutsu. Scary stuff, let me tell you. But I can identify and reverse all every brainwashing method in the elemental countries now, so we shouldn't have to worry about involuntary infiltrators."

"Nice." Jiraiya commented. "So we can break out the old man's jutsu library and give our people real training without having to worry that it's all going to get stolen. I think we can solve the nuke-nin problem too."

"What, you mean we should actually respect our people, give them some rewards when they succeed and try to keep their stress level down to something sane? Why, Jiraiya, it almost sounds like you don't want all our best people to go nuke-nin on us."

The toad sage chuckled. "Yeah, it's a radical idea but I say we give it a shot. While we're at it we could have a policy of actually taking in any foreign ninja our people recruit, along with anyone who deserts their village over some psychotically stupid policy like telling them to murder their own comrades to prove their loyalty. Hell, if we announce that publicly we'll get so many recruits we'll have trouble processing them all."

The two Sannin shared a laugh, and Tsunade knocked back another swig of sake. Then she set the bottle down and signed. "We're really going to do this, aren't we?"

"You're the one with the hat," Jiraiya replied. "Are we?"

"Yes. We are." She shuffled through a drawer and came up with a set of files, which she tossed to Jiraiya.

"Genin files?" He asked as he flipped through them. "Ah, there's Naruto and his team. Hmm, and some other kids about the same age. What about them?"

"That," said Tsunade, "is the most promising group of genin in Konoha. They were all in the last chuunin exam, and several of them would have been promoted if it was still an exam instead of a public relations event. I want you to pool their jounin instructors and put together an intensive training program for the whole group, using everything we've found out since the Kyuubi disaster. In three months I want everyone of them to have a solid taijutsu style and a good set of complementary jutsu."

"After that you can start running recruitment missions to bring in those kunoichi you mentioned, along with everyone else the two of us know who'd like to live like an actual human being instead of a tool. By then I'll have rammed some reforms through if I have to assassinate the advisors myself. With the extra manpower we can expand the training program to include more of the genin, and hopefully start up a real medic-nin program."

"I see," Jiraiya agreed. "At that rate in six months we'll have around forty chuunin and four or five jounin who've either graduated the program or been brought in from the cold by us, plus whatever percentage of the current force turns out to actually be loyal to the Hokage instead of ROOT or one of the problematic clans. At that point we've got the manpower to clean house properly."

"Exactly," Tsunade confirmed. "And once that's done, we can finally go after Orochimaru. We destroy his little hidden village, recruit his best people out from under him, and keep after him until we corner him like the rat he is. He may be too much for either of us alone, but together we can beat him."

"Yeah. Our teammate, our responsibility. Let's do this."


	3. A Different Prisoner

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

In a hidden cave in northern Demon Country nine S-rank ninja struggled to extract the chakra of a bijuu from one unconscious genin. They had planned on another month of testing before their first extraction, when by sheer chance Pain happened upon the Kyuubi container sleeping alone in a field. That was an opportunity too good to pass up.

Most of Akatsuki's senior members were physically present for once, as they'd been meeting to lay out the opening steps of their great plan. Sasori, Deidera, Kakuza and Hidan were only projections, but their assistance was still effective enough. A steady stream of toxic red chakra flowed from the unconscious boy's mouth into the great statue they'd prepared as a receptacle for the power of the bijuu.

Within the dank mindscape that held the Kyuubi's prison a different struggle came to a close.

"Fine!" The Kyuubi snarled as another strand of chakra was pulled away. His tails lashed in frustration, sending waves of scalding water across the cave.

"I knew you'd see it my way." His visitor replied with a vicious grin. Standing twenty feet tall, with scaly blue skin and a profusion of horns, spikes, claws and fangs, the demonic creature had arrived shortly after Akatsuki's ritual began.

"To recap, then. My minions and I will open a gate between the interior of your prison and my stronghold in the Shikima realm. We'll feed a surge of demonic power through the gate to disrupt this human ritual, allowing you to escape through the gate to my domain. From there you will immediately travel west, doing no harm to myself or my minions, until you cross the border to the Yin domain. You'll cross the Yin domain, killing any demons who try to stop you, until you reach the grand nexus near Queen Lillith's palace. You'll use the nexus to exit the Shikima realm, at which point our agreement is fulfilled. Did I miss anything?"

"No, damn it. I agree! Now hurry up and get started, before those damned pests steal any more of my power."

Pain's first warning that something was amiss was when the streamer of chakra flowing from Naruto's mouth turned from red to purple. An instant later purple chakra erupted from the young ninja's every pore, a massive tide of it surging up the connection to the many-eyed statue intended to house the stolen power of the bijuu.

Unfortunately it was never designed to handle the perverse energies of the Shikima realm. The great seal matrix destabilized instantly, releasing all of its stored energy in a single massive surge. The resulting explosion vaporized everything within three hundred yards, and produced a mushroom cloud that was seen for miles.

Dawn came and went.

Hours later a hung-over Jiraiya finally found his missing charge lying unconscious at the bottom of the crater."Damn, kid, what have you been up to?" He muttered to himself. "Some kind of super-rasengan with the fox's chakra?"

A rough medical scan revealed the boy was exhausted but not injured, and a check of the seal showed it to be intact. So the toad sage hefted the young blond over one shoulder and headed back to camp.

"You never learn, do you kid? Nothing but trouble. Can't leave you alone for one night without you inventing some new way to cause havoc. I'd better get you back to the village before you manage to blow yourself up and Tsunade blames me."

As he walked the last traces of the Kyuubi's toxic chakra gradually drained away, replaced by a trickle of power from the still-open gate to the Shikima realm…

--oOoOo--

A week later Jiraiya and Naruto crossed the deep woods surrounding Konoha with their characteristic stealth. Which is to say, you could hear them coming for miles.

"For the last time, pervy-sage, I didn't do it! All I know is I went to sleep in camp, and the next thing I know you're waking me up babbling about some weird technique or something. Besides, there's no way I'd call out the fox like that just for training. It might get out, and anyway I'd feel like crap for a week."

"Fine, fine, keep your secrets." Jiraiya replied in a wounded tone. "Just because I've spent the last two years training you doesn't mean you should confide in me. Next you'll tell me you didn't do anything to that cute village girl."

"Jeez, would you stop already! I told you, she was nuts. I was just sitting under a tree working on that scary aura thing, and all of a sudden she was attacking me."

"It's called killing intent, dummy. So, it's just a coincidence that she looked like she was under a lust genjutsu?"

"I'm not like that! Jeez! Besides, you know I don't have the control for stuff like that. Although I have been getting better."

Jiraiya huffed but let it drop, and Naruto turned his attention back to the Rasengan in his hand. He'd finally gotten to where he could do the technique one-handed, so now he was trying the next logical step. Packing in more energy without letting the sphere grow was a pain, but it would be a nice armor-piercing attack to use on the next enemy he ran into with some stupid 'ultimate defense'.

A few wisps of purple energy swirled about within the vortex, unnoticed by either ninja.

--oOoOo--

"You're early." Tsunade observed.

Jiraiya poured himself a shot of sake and leaned back with a snort. "Bah. The kid's tough as hell, but he needs a little sense pounded into that thick head of his. I figure a few missions with that little spitfire he likes will do the trick."

"Coming from you that makes me wonder if I can trust him not to get his teammates killed. We don't have a lot of ninja who regenerate."

Jiraiya shrugged. "Start with easy missions, then. Or have him do some clone training with the jounin. We've got at least another month or two before Akatsuki starts moving. If he screws up you can have him take all forty shifts of wall patrol at once."

Tsunade raised an eyebrow. "He can do that?"

"Oh, yeah. He can run a couple hundred clones all day with no problem."

_That'll teach the little brat. She'll have him loaded up with character tests and low-risk busywork for weeks._

--oOoOo--

"What! No way! I'm way too good for crummy missions like that, granny!"

Tsunade swatted the orange-clad loudmouth into the wall. "Don't call me that, idiot!" She shouted. "Anyway, my decision is final. I want to know exactly how far you've progressed, and that means a comprehensive re-test. For the next week you'll report to Iruka at the academy every afternoon for testing."

Naruto extracted himself from the custom-fitted hole his head had just made in wall, and tried to ignore the splitting headache the impact had given him. Those walls were concrete, damn it!

"But, but, the missions?" He protested.

"There's no sense wasting your abilities, Naruto. By filling all those wall patrol and maintenance slots you'll free up nearly forty ninja for other duties. With our manpower shortage that could make a real difference to the village."

Naruto stared at her incredulously for a moment, then slumped. "Fine. I'll do the stupid boring missions. At least I'll make some money."

"Um, actually," Shizune said hesitantly, "ongoing in-village work is paid at a flat daily rate depending on your rank, instead of on completion like field missions. For a genin the pay scale is about the same as doing a D-rank every day."

Naruto closed his eyes and clenched his fists, but the expected explosion didn't come.

"That figures." He said finally. "Guess I'd better get started, then."

In the Kyuubi's former prison, a small group of lust demons gathered around a viewing portal, peering out at the world. As Naruto turned to go they finally gave up on trying to get a look down Tsunade's cleavage and shook their heads.

"That bites." A short red demon covered with horns observed. "This guy gets the shaft a lot, doesn't he?"

"Got that right." A big one with four arms agreed. "Man, those bitches really need to get laid, don't they?"

A furry one groaned. "I know, I know. It's torture, watching all those fine mortal babes and not being able to touch. Are you sure there's no way for us to get out there?"

"Not a chance. This cage is so tough even that fox demon couldn't scratch it, and you saw what he did to the Yin Kingdom. Oooh, look, the shy girl with the big hooters is checking him out again!"

A demon with tentacles instead of arms sadly shook his head. "Yeah, and he didn't see it. Damn, I thought this'd be fun but this guy never gets any action."

"Hey guys, I've got an idea. The King's trying to figure out a good way to torture that captured succu-bitch, right? What if we stick her in here for a while?"

There were snickers all around.

"Hell, yeah. A few weeks watching this shit and she'll do anything to get out."

--oOoOo--

Naruto was uncharacteristically quiet as he suffered through the week's tests. He was friendly enough with Iruka, despite his irritation with the situation, but after discovering that Sakura was out of town on a training mission he kept mostly to himself. He wasn't usually one to brood, but this latest setback made it hard not to.

_Granny was really mad at me,_ he thought to himself over dinner at Ichiraku's one night. _Maybe she really doesn't want me to call her that, but there was more to it. It was like she doesn't trust me with a real mission. And what's with all these tests?_

But that one was pretty obvious, even to him.

_I guess Jiraiya told her I didn't learn much or something. Lazy old man, it's not my fault he's always too busy being a pervert to bother training me. I just know I've been failing a lot of those stupid tests, too. What difference does it make if I know all that history and math and stuff, anyway?_

Then an idea hit him.

_Hey, I wonder if I'm supposed to be cheating, like on the chuunin exam? Iruka's tests are almost that hard. I could leave some clones in the library to look stuff up, but how would I tell them what the questions are?_

Intent on plotting out a way to pass at least one test, Naruto never noticed the way Ayami blushed whenever she looked at him.

--oOoOo--

One of Naruto's sentry clones spotted Sakura as she approached the gates, and relayed word to the original by making another clone and immediately dispelling it. He met her just inside the gates.

"Sakura!"

The pinkette did a double-take, and smiled. "Naruto! You're back!"

Taking that as an invitation the blonde genin swept his old teammate up into a hug. "Yeah, I've been back for a week but they said you were on a mission. Boy, am I glad to see you! How have you been? Um, Sakura?"

Sakura was embarrassed at first, not being one for public displays of affection. But Naruto's touch felt so good she found herself returning the hug, pressing the length of her slender body against him, reveling in his musky scent and the firm solidity of his chest. Wait, was he saying something?

"Hmm? Is something wrong? Hey, you're taller than me now."

_What a hunk._ She mused to herself. _Why was I turning this guy down again?_

"Looks like it." Naruto replied nervously, trying desperately to ignore the feel of perky young breasts being ground into his chest. He let go and tried to step away, but Sakura grabbed him and pulled him back.

"Where are you going, Naruto? I thought you were glad to see me?" The pink-haired kunoichi teased.

_I can't believe how many muscles the goof has,_ she thought. _His chest, his arms, his…wait a minute._

Suddenly realizing what the hard object pressing into her thigh was, Sakura jumped away with a startled "Eep!" of embarrassment. Then she realized she was standing in the middle of a crowded street, with dozens of civilians and a handful of ninja watching her crawl all over a guy she'd never had romantic feelings for before.

A boy who'd been studying under Jiraiya the pervert for two years.

_Oh my god, he must be using a genjutsu on me._

"Pervert!" The volatile girl's fist slammed into Naruto's face, sending him flying. He landed thirty feet down the street, and carved out a substantial trench before grinding to a stop.

Sakura stalked over to his landing spot and hauled him up with one fist in his shirt. "Don't you ever do that to me again, you little freak! You understand? Do you?"

Naruto managed a weak nod, and she threw him back down in disgust. "And to think, I was actually looking forward to seeing you again."

The gate guards shrugged and went back to their business as she stalked off, while a couple of passing chuunin traded amused grins. The civilians variously cheered the girl on, glowered at Naruto, or ignored the whole mess.

A cart ran over his leg.

"Ow."

Naruto crawled weakly out of the road and settled into the lee of a building to wait for his regeneration to kick in. He didn't think anything was actually broken, but he wasn't going to risk wandering around Konoha alone with a bloody nose, bruised ribs and a concussion.

_**That bitch! What the hell is her problem, anyway?**_

He started. The Kyuubi talked in his head once in a while, but this voice was different. High, clear, musical…it sure sounded like a girl.

Maybe the concussion was making him hear things?

_**I mean, seriously, you weren't even going for a conquest! You were being gentle, and considerate, and I bet you'd even stop if she wanted you to for some reason. Are all human girls that screwed up?**_

"Um, hello? Who are you?"

_**Oh, sorry, I guess I should introduce myself. I'm Yoriko, and it looks like I'm your new prisoner.**_

"Excuse me? What happened to the fox?"

_**The giant nine-tailed fox demon? Apparently the lord of the Yang Dominion made some kind of deal with it. It rampaged across half the kingdom and killed a lot of our best fighters before it left, then those bastards came along behind it and conquered us."**_

Naruto scratched his head. "Ok, I'm totally confused now." His splitting headache wasn't helping either.

__The voice sighed._** I guess it is a long story. Why don't you come visit me when you get a chance, and I'll tell you what I know. You do know how to get in here, right?**_

"Yeah, ok. I can do that."

An hour later Naruto stood before the bars of what had once been the Kyuubi's prison, mostly healed and a lot less confused.

"So, let me get this straight. That weird glowing thing leads to the demon realms," he said, pointing to a narrow oval slash in the air. It was twenty feet tall and three feet across at the widest point, filled with a wall of purple energy that was apparently solid. Streamers of the same purple energy wafted off the surface of the barrier, bleeding power into the air.

The girl in the prison nodded, and he paused to consider her again. She could have passed for human if it weren't for the bat wings, horns and tail. She was slender and delicate, with the most beautiful face he'd ever seen, and she didn't seem to mind the fact that the raven locks that cascaded clear to her knees were her only clothing.

He looked away and tried to focus. "Ok, so this demon realm has two kingdoms, one all guys and the other all girls. You think the guys made a deal with the Kyuubi and let him out, and then he went on a rampage and tore up your kingdom?"

"Yes." She replied sadly. "Mother's dead now, and the royal guard was wiped out. I'm all that's left."

"Right, 'cause you're a princess. Wow. So why'd they stick you in here?"

"Demon realms have a lot of magical power that can only be called on by the rightful ruler. If they kill me it'll pass on to some other demoness from my realm, and she'll probably start a rebellion. Locking me up keeps that from happening. Besides, they probably think I'll crack from frustration eventually, and then they can make me pass the link to someone else."

"Ok, I think I get all that. But what's so bad about being stuck here? I know it's dark and probably kind of boring, but it's not like you're being tortured or something."

Yoriko laughed. "I guess you guys really don't have much contact with the hentai realms. I'm a sex demon, Naruto. I'm not totally obsessed like some of my kind, but I need it as much as you need food. If I'm stuck in this cage alone long enough I really will lose it. First I'll turn crude and slutty, then I'll start pleading and begging, and eventually my mind will go completely and I'll just jump anything I can get my hands on."

Naruto stepped back with wide eyes. "That sucks, Yoriko-chan. Is there anything we can do about it? How long do you have, anyway?"

She shrugged, and he tried not to notice all the interesting things the motion did to her anatomy. "If I can't get any action at all? A few years until the final stage, but you'll start noticing the change in a couple of months. As far as what to do about it, I'm not sure. I won't insult you by asking you to come in here and help me out – you'd have to be a complete moron to trust a strange demon that much."

Naruto wisely refrained from pointing out that he'd been thinking about exactly that.

"Obviously the same goes for opening the prison." She continued. "So I suppose it comes down to what kind of powers you have and how much you're willing to help. This seal has all kinds of strange stuff built into it, so I bet we could figure out some way to get me a little energy if we put our heads together. Heck, the way it's blending our power I might be ok just from whatever fun you have."

A few weeks ago her last comment would have flown over Naruto's head, but that was before the brain damage caused by a lifetime of exposure to the Kyuubi's poisonous chakra had finally regenerated. He was a little more observant now.

"Um, well, don't get your hopes up there. Girls don't like me."

"I noticed. Stupid clueless uptight humans. If I could get out there I'd show them all just how what they're missing."

"Thanks, Yoriko."

--oOoOo--

Naruto's attempts to get advice about his odd situation were less than fruitful. Jiraiya had already left town, and apparently Tsunade had never heard of the Shikima and found the whole story ridiculous.

"The fox is just trying to trick you, Naruto." She declared. "Using illusions to look like a cute girl and try to get sympathy. Why the hell are you listening to it anyway? Don't you realize you can't trust anything it says?"

"But Tsunade-"

"No buts, kid. I want you to stop talking to that thing before it tricks you into letting it out somehow. That's an order, got it?"

_**I don't understand, Naruto. You've got far more power than she does, even if she does have more experience. So why doesn't she take you seriously? **_The Shikima princess asked.

_No one ever takes me seriously, Yoriko. _He silently answered.

"Understood, Hokage-sama." He replied out loud. "I guess I'd better get back to work then."

--oOoOo--

A few days later Team Eight returned from a long-distance recon mission, and Naruto screwed up his courage to try another reunion. This one went considerably better than the one with Sakura. Shino was courteous and reserved as always, Kiba was boisterous but friendly, and Hinata blushed a lot.

_**Wow, Naruto. That little cutie is really into you.**_

_What? You mean Hinata? No way, Yoriko. She's practically a princess._

_**Hey, who's the expert on romance here? I'm telling you, she's totally hot for you. If you don't believe me, just ask her out.**_

_Fine, I will._

"Hey, Hinata, want to go on a date tonight?"

Hinata clapped both hands over her mouth and stared at him as a blush crept up her cheeks. Then she nodded frantically.

"Um, you do?" Naruto was so startled it took him a moment to come up with a response. "Great! Um, I guess you need to go home first and stuff since you just got back, but how about I come by at, uh, five?"

She blinked, and nodded again.

"Great! See you then!"

**Wow, that poor girl's got it worse than I thought. You need to get her taken care of quick or she's going to combust.**

_What are you talking about? Is there something wrong with her?_

**Just a little condition girls get when they really like a guy, but can't get together with him for some reason. I'm not sure if she's just too shy for her own good or what, but with all the Shikima energy leaking into your aura you shouldn't have any trouble at all taking care of a human girl. Just take her back to your place after dinner, and follow my advice…**

_Well, ok, if you're sure. She's going to be ok, isn't she?_

**If you do this right, tonight is going to be the happiest night of her life.**


	4. A Different Time Traveler

The jump into the past was even more disorienting than I'd expected. I awoke in a small, weak body with only the barest flicker of chakra, and opened my eyes to an oddly flat and colorless world. Then the nausea struck, and I barely reached the bathroom in time.

But it passed quickly, and after a shower I was beginning to feel almost human again. Still weak and pathetic, but I should have expected that. I was thirteen again, after all. So I dressed in the clothes I hadn't worn since I was a boy, checked the calendar to make sure of the date, and made my way to the bridge to meet my team. I'd find time to train myself up to a better condition soon enough.

My teammates were already waiting, as usual. It took all my self control not to give myself away when I saw Sakura sitting on the rail of that little bridge with waist-length hair and not a care in the world. How did such a delicate, pampered thing ever grow into the genius medic-nin I remembered?

I slouched up to the bridge and assumed my old position, leaning against the rail.

"Sasuke!" She exclaimed. "Good morning! How are you?"

"Hn," I replied.

I let her babble at me for a few minutes while Naruto eyed us with poorly-concealed jealousy. As if he of all people had anything to be jealous of in that respect. I ignored them both for a few minutes while I contemplated my options. I hadn't been given the luxury of planning this operation in any detail, not with Naruto dying and the Kyuubi about to go with him.

I shook my head. That future would never happen now, so there was no need to dwell on it. This time I wouldn't make the same mistakes. I didn't need Orochimaru's help to regain the power I'd had before. I just needed to train.

But with that in mind, I didn't have time to waste hours every day waiting on a sensei who was always late. Mind made up, I swung over the rail and stepped onto the water.

Naruto stared at me. "Woah. Uh, what are you doing, Sasuke?"

"Training," I replied. Reverting to my old body had seriously weakened my chakra control, and I found that it took significant concentration to stand on the surface of the stream instead of falling through. "You should too."

"Good idea, Sasuke," Sakura agreed. "We can at least do something productive while we wait. How do you do that?"

When I was really thirteen I would have ignored her. But I'd had cause since then to regret throwing away my ties to the village. "It's like tree climbing. But you have to adjust the chakra flow constantly as the water moves."

Naruto frowned and scratched his head. "Huh?"

"Oh! I see!" Sakura said happily, and walked around to the edge of the small stream. She tested it with one foot, adjusting her chakra delicately as she probed its interaction with the water. After a few moments she nodded in satisfaction, and carefully stepped out onto the surface of the stream.

Yeah, she figured out water walking in about thirty seconds after one off-hand comment. That's Sakura for you. If that girl had motivation to match her talent she'd be almost as strong as I am.

Naturally Naruto blundered out onto the water and promptly fell in. I ignored him as I started a slow kata. He climbed out as Sakura laughed at him, scowled, and called up enough chakra to level a mountain as he tried again. And again. And again. I wondered idly if Sakura would still laugh if she knew how much power the idiot was throwing around. Then again, she might.

By the time Kakashi bothered to show up I was up to advanced kata, and was starting to feel confident of my ability to fight on a body of water again. Sakura had long since mastered the exercise to her satisfaction and retired to the bridge to rest and watch me, while Naruto could just manage to stand in place for a few minutes as long as he didn't get distracted. He always did have lousy control.

"What's this?" The lazy jounin commented as he appeared on the bridge. "Extra training?"

I hopped up to the bridge rail and crouched there. "Hn."

Sakura started to gush something about my awesomely wonderful coolness, but thankfully he cut her off. "Well, just make sure you don't wear yourselves out too much for missions. Now, let's go see what the Hokage's office has for us, shall we?"

He turned to go, but as I moved to follow him I brushed past Naruto and muttered "Leave a clone here to practice it, dumbass."

He opened his mouth to argue, then stopped with a confused look. "That works?"

I rolled my eyes and walked away. He hesitated, then shrugged and made a clone. Why he thought he needed to tell it what to do is beyond me.

--oOoOo--

We'd recently returned from Wave Country, and I knew we'd be hearing about the Chuunin Exam soon. That meant confronting Orochimaru, which could be tricky. But before then I had an experiment to try.

"Sasuke-kun, let's go on a date tonight!" Sakura called.

"Don't be stupid, forehead. Anyone can see Sasuke needs a real woman!" Ino objected.

Some variation on the scene had played out every few days since before I graduated from the academy, and I'd always ignored them. These weak, giggling children would be of no use in my quest for vengeance, and I'd always assumed they weren't serious enough to be much help in reviving my clan either. But in the future I'd seen things that made me question many of my assumptions. So this time I stopped, and turned to face the squabbling pair.

"Have either of you ever thought about what you're asking?" I said coldly.

Realizing that I was actually looking at them for once, the two girls jumped apart and stammered.

"Hn. I have two goals in life: to avenge my clan, and to revive it. The man I mean to kill is one of the most dangerous ninja in the world, and when our confrontation arrives anyone of lesser skill who seems close to me will simply be a weapon in his hand. Reviving my clan will be equally difficult, with half the assassins in the elemental countries targeting any woman I become involved with. Soft, giggling schoolgirls would be of no use in either venture."

They gaped at me. Ino recovered first. "What, are you saying we're not strong enough for you?"

Sakura clenched her fist. "We can be as strong as anyone!"

I body flickered behind them, reappearing with a knife at each of their throats. "Can you? Prove it." I gave them a few seconds to realize that they were already beaten, and then body flickered away.

They started training together the next day. At first it seemed to be sporadic, and I was simply amused. But they rapidly became more serious about it, until by the time Kakashi mentioned the upcoming exam they were working late into the night on a daily basis. At that rate they might actually get somewhere.

--oOoOo--

The written exam was interesting, as I found I could easily answer all of the questions now. I spent most of the time trying to figure out how everyone else was cheating, and by the time Ibiki started his 'tenth question' speech I felt I'd spotted most of them. The examiners were being pathetically generous in what they allowed us to get away with.

By that point I had my fire element attacks back to a reasonable level of proficiency, and my chakra was recovering nicely from the shock of being shoved back in time and compressed into an underdeveloped body. I estimated that I could easily fight at the level I'd managed when Naruto tried to stop me from leaving Konoha at the Valley of the End. I'd also maneuvered Kakashi into testing our chakra natures, which gave me an excuse to get my lightning manipulation back in form and start practicing low-level lightning techniques.

Naruto had gotten the hint about clone training, and used it to master water walking. He had a small crowd working on leaf splitting most of the time, but his control was so poor he'd probably need weeks more to get anywhere with it. Sakura had turned out to be earth natured, and as usual she'd gotten the leaf exercise down in a matter of minutes.

Come to think of it, have I ever seen her take more than a few minutes to learn anything related to chakra? It was enough to make me wonder if she had a bloodline no one had ever noticed.

In any event, I was content to let the second exam play out more or less the same as it had before. I wasn't ready to defeat Orochimaru yet, and I could always remove his seal. I gave a better account of myself than I had the first time around, but held back from revealing my full potential.

I'd almost forgotten the battle with the Sound ninja the next morning. I awoke to discover that Sakura had actually killed one of them, and the others were easily routed by the other Konoha genin who'd wandered by. Ino was much more solicitous than I remembered, when she stopped to trim Sakura's hacked-off hair into something resembling a deliberate style.

Excellent. There was no need to exert myself or give away the seal's function to my team. Far fewer complications that way.

At that point I expected to coast through the rest of the exam and go off to train under Kakashi, which would give me the cover I needed to begin using more of my lightning techniques. But the remaining battles in the forest were much easier than I remembered, which led to our arriving at the forest arena half a day early. By the time the pre-finals started I was fairly well rested and Kakashi had already sealed Orochimaru's mark, so I had a chance to watch the fights that I'd missed the first time around.


	5. Training Sequence

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto.

Sort of a quasi-sequel to "Not a Henge". A slightly smarter and considerably more perverted Naruto has a slightly different first meeting with Jiraiya, and things snowball from there…

* * *

"Damn, kid! What do you call that technique?" Jiraiya eyed the naked teenage kunoichi appreciatively. Her beauty was only accentuated by the wisps of mist that preserved her last shreds of modesty. It had to be an illusion, of course, but to think a genin could manage such quality!

"I call it…Sexy Technique," she replied. "You like it?"

"Oh, yeah." Big, perky breasts, jiggling with perfect realism as she squirmed slightly under his gaze. The subtle flexing of muscle in those long legs. The drape of the waist-length hair, blowing slightly in the breeze. How could a genin pull of such a perfect illusion?

"Then, will you train me?"

"On one condition," he replied with a grin. "You must stay in that form whenever you're with me!"

Naruto gaped at the old pervert. "What! But…but…" But the flash of anger didn't last. _So he wants to look at a pretty girl,_ she thought. _So what? I like to look at pretty girls too. At least he doesn't turn into one, and then spend half the night doing perverted things with clones._

_But if I'm going to go that far, I ought to get more out of it than just water-walking._

She sighed, and dropped the "sexy" part of the shape-shift technique. A quick henge saw her dressed, in orange shorts and a black sports bra partly concealed by an orange half-jacket.

"I guess I could do that. But I need to do some serious training if I'm going to kick Neji's butt in the chuunin exam, and I don't think water walking is going to be enough. Can you teach me something I can actually win the tournament with?"

"Heh. I don't think we've been properly introduced, little lady. I'm Jiraiya the toad sage, one of the two strongest ninja in Konoha." He frowned. "But the chuunin exam is almost a month away, and training little brats is always a pain. I'm not so sure it's worth the trouble, even if you do make a cute girl."

_Jiraiya? Wait, isn't he one of those S-rank ninja they talked about at the academy? If I can get him to train me I'll pass for sure! _

"Not enough, huh? Then what about…twins? Shadow Clone Technique!"

The puff of smoke cleared to reveal two identical blonde bombshells. One stood with hands on hips, chest thrust out to emphasize her substantial cleavage. The second snuggled up suggestively behind her, with both hands around her waist.

"I'll make you a deal. You train us both to kick Neji's ass and pass the chunin exam, and we'll both stay like this the whole time."

The clone grinned over her shoulder at the older ninja, and cupped the original's breasts as she added "Yeah! We'll even throw in fan service!"

"Will you stop that!" the original objected. "We're in public here, remember?"

Jiraiya stared, fighting the impulse to jump the girls right there. Then his brain caught up with his hormones, and he stared again.

"Wait a minute. Dispel!"

The illusionary clothing vanished under the impact of his technique, but both girls remained.

"Hey!" Shouted the original as she conjured another set. "Quit that!"

"That isn't a henge." The toad sage said slowly. "Where'd you learn that, kid?" _No one in Konoha has a technique like that, and if they did they sure as hell wouldn't teach it to the Kyuubi brat. So either it's an effect of being a jinchuuriki, or…_

"I invented it!" Naruto proclaimed. "This technique is so powerful, it even defeated the Hokage!"

"Yeah!" The clone giggled. "But I don't think it's going to work on Neji. A guy with hair like that is definitely batting for the other team."

Jiraiya chuckled. "Wouldn't surprise me, kid. But we're talking about some pretty intensive training here. Do you really think you can keep up both those techniques all day and still have the chakra to work on new stuff?" Most jounin wouldn't have the chakra for that, but the kid's aura was pretty impressive.

"Are you kidding? This is nothing!" The clone stepped back with a cocky grin and formed a seal. "Check this out. Mass Shadow Clone!" When the smoke cleared there were hundreds of clones crowding every rooftop in the district. The nearer ones waved and blew kisses.

"Chakra's the one thing I've got plenty of." The original said proudly. "I can do stuff like this all day."

Then the clones all dispelled themselves at once. The fact that Naruto was still standing afterwards impressed Jiraiya even more than the demonstration of Kage-level chakra reserves.

_So the kid's resistant to memory integration shock, on top of everything else? Damn, I think I just found myself an apprentice._ His eyes glazed over momentarily at the image of dozens of buxom blondes eagerly following his 'training instructions.' _Oh, hell yeah._

_Let's see. I'll have the original do physical conditioning and speed training, but what about the clones? Lots of kunoichi-style taijutsu, obviously. Maybe Heavenly Fist style. Yeah, lots of jumping and tumbling in those kata, and it even makes sense. Make her clones good enough at dodging and they might as well be real ninja, especially if they're fast enough to actually hit an opponent. Yeah, we can keep a dozen clones at a time working on different parts of that style, easily._

_If she can handle that we'll put a few more on chakra control exercises, maybe show her Rasengan if she's up to it. If not there's always the kunai-on-chakra-strings trick. Even a Hyuuga can't dodge dozens of attacks at once for more than a few seconds. _

"Alright, Naruto. You've got yourself a deal."

--oOoOo--

"If I'm going to be stuck like this for a month, I might as well have some fun with it."

Naruto was alone in his crappy little apartment, contemplating the deal he'd struck with the old pervert. Well, alone unless you counted the "sexy" clone he was examining.

"Better get rid of the whisker marks, then." She replied. "And maybe change the face some. We don't want anyone recognizing us."

"Good point. How about…this!" The male Naruto vanished in a puff of ninja smoke, replaced with a girl who looked like the clone's slightly older sister. Still blonde and blue-eyed, but without the baby-fat and whisker marks, with an extra inch of height and even larger breasts.

"You'll never win a fight with those boobs in the way, dummy. The hair's too long, too."

"Aw, but I look totally hot like this!"

"I know, I know. Believe me, I wish we could pull it off too. But every time we try to practice like that we loose from something stupid like hair in the eyes or falling over."

"That's when it was just us. That crazy examiner lady had more up top than this, and there's kunoichi with longer hair. I'm betting there's some kind of secret technique they use, and if we show up like this the old man'll teach it to us just so we don't have to change back."

"Oooh, good plan. You're right, if there is a technique like that he'll know all about it. Hmm. In that case, I say let's go full goddess-mane with the hair."

"Like this?" The original's hair grew to waist-length.

"No, silly, like this!" The clone's hair grew to the same length, but turned wavy and gained body at the same time. In a few seconds it became a mass of golden curls worth of a comic book heroine.

The original snickered. "Nobody actually looks like that. Besides, isn't it heavy?"

"So make your boobs bigger to balance it. If we're doing this in disguise I want to be the hottest babe in Konoha."

"Me too, dummy. I just don't want to screw this up. Do you think he's gonna teach us one of those kunoichi taijutsu styles?"

"Well, duh. Probably make us practice 'distraction' moves and wrestle each other too. But he said he'd train us to win the tournament, so he's got to teach us something that works in a real fight too."

"Good point. Ok, I'm thinking long legs for running and kicking. How does this look?"

The clone looked her original up and down, and licked her lips. "We've definitely left the land of cute'n'cuddly behind. Next stop: badass babe!"

"Hey, if you want badass…" Naruto concentrated. She'd never tried something this radical before, but it felt possible. Yes, it was working! "Bow before the might of the nine-tails jinchuuriki!"

Nine fox tails swished in the still air of the apartment, dong little to conceal a body that now sported fox ears and a light coat of fur.

The clone stared for a moment before falling theatrically to her knees. "Have mercy, mighty fox ninja! Your loyal servant obeys!" Then she dissolved into giggles. "Bet half the old farts in the village would have heart attacks! God, I wish we could get away with it."

_You make a cute kitsune, kid, but you're only entitled to two tails. Claim more than that again and you won't like what happens._

Both girls paled. "Kyuubi?"

There was no answer.

They shared a look, and the original nervously reverted to human form. "Ok, note to self, no pretending to have nine tails. Not a problem."

They spent another hour experimenting, recapturing their good humor in the process, before finally pronouncing the new 'badass babe' technique perfected. Naruto's new girl form was 5'6" of dangerous curves and hard muscle, and no one would ever miss her in a crowd. Her incredible golden mane, her slender figure and prominent F-cup breasts, her piercing blue eyes and exotic features, all would attract no end of attention.

Predictably, neither girl could resist the other. But as they lay panting in the aftermath of their new form's 'test drive', one thought returned to trouble each twin.

"Hey, me, I just realized…if I'm a clone, and you're the original, how come I heard the fox too?"

"I've got a better one: why did he say I'm entitled to two tails?"

--oOoOo--

"Good morning, Jiraiya-sensei!" The blond twins caroled in unison.

The Sannin smiled down at them with hands on hips. "Well, this is an interesting change. Good morning, girls! I see someone wants to learn the hair animation technique."

They both giggled. "Told you he'd figure it out," one commented.

"Do you mind?" The other one asked. "We can turn back if you want, but if I'm going to be a girl for a month I'd rather be like this than all soft and cute."

"That's fine, kid." He laughed. "It isn't really secret, it's just most kunoichi don't need it. So does this new identity have a name?"

"I'm Naruko, the original," said one.

"I'm Naoko, the clone," said the other.

"…and if you can tell us apart, we're going something wrong!" They finished in unison.

He laughed again. "Ok girls, we'll go with that. Now let's see if you can do that water-walking exercise."

The two buxom blondes wobbled unsteadily across the surface of the lake in their skimpy orange-and-black bikinis, falling in regularly as they struggled with the unfamiliar water-walking technique. Jiraiya lounged on the shore, alternating between ogling the scantily-clad kunoichi and mocking their lack of skill.

After an hour of fruitless struggle he called them back to shore with a gruff command to "mould some chakra, and hold it". After that he quickly identified the source of the problem.

"This seal," he said, pointing to the five-pointed mark surrounding the Kyuubi's seal. "where did you get it?"

"Damn it, is that thing still there?" Naruto's clone exclaimed, examining the marks that had appeared on her original's belly. "That snake freak did it when we fought in the Forest of Death. I think that's what shut down the…uh… well…anyway, it was a real pain."

"I know all about the Fourth Hokage's seal, Naruto," replied the toad sage. "But it's Orochimaru's addition that's causing the problem. The Fourth's seal was designed to let you draw on your prisoner's chakra, but this thing is causing it to flow unevenly."

"So that's what's doing it! Man, I was starting to think I really do suck. Can you fix it?"

"Sure thing, kid. Five element seal release!"

Ten minutes later she was gleefully leaping across the lake, keeping effortlessly to the surface despite her acrobatics. Jiraiya gave her all of a minute to enjoy her success before he started throwing kunai.

--oOoOo--

Having seen his student maintain a clone from dawn to dusk without apparent effort, on the second day Jiraiya made more use of it. The real Naruto got a set of ten-pound weights on each arm and leg, and a grueling day of strength and speed training. The clone spent the day on taijutsu drills - first on land, then over water, and finally while dodging the occasional thrown shuriken.

Jiraiya was impressed by his new student's stamina, and resolved to test the limits of her phenomenal chakra reserves soon. Too bad the body-shaping exercises he was teaching her wouldn't pay off for a few years. Even the limited regimes that kunoichi like Anko and Tsunade followed could have a phenomenal effect, so the thought of a righteous babe like Naruko innocently following his own carefully-researched program until it took full effect was decidedly drool-worthy.

_Ah well, he thought, I'm old enough to be patient. I'll just have to swing by Konoha every now and then to "check her progress". Heh heh._

Naruto was discouraged to discover how bad her taijutsu sucked, but heartened by Jiraiya's promise to make her the "ultimate ass-kicking kunoichi babe" in time for the exam. At first she was skeptical about mastering a whole taijutsu style in only a month, no matter what the old man said. But that evening she dismissed her clone before bed, and suddenly discovered that she remembered both versions of the day's training.

After that, her confidence was unshakeable.

--oOoOo--

"What do you mean you don't have a training plan?"

Naruko shrugged, most of her attention still focused on lunch. "Kakashi never talked about anything like that. I just learn whatever techniques I can get my hands on, and then figure out a way to use them."

"Hmpf. You'll never get anywhere like that, kid. All great ninja create a personal combat style that builds on their unique strengths, while compensating for their weaknesses. You need to pick out a set of techniques that complement each other, and add up to something hard to beat."

The Sannin contemplated his young student for a moment. _Is this kid just a complete blockhead, or what? Oh, well, I suppose tough, stacked and smart would be too much to hope for. Better keep it simple…_

"Ok, kid, let's start with the obvious. What are your strengths and weaknesses as a ninja?

The original continued stuffing her face, but 'Naoko' answered immediately. "I'm Konoha's number one surprising ninja! Plus I've got lots of chakra and stamina, and I heal really fast. But my taijutsu sucks, and everyone says my chakra control's not that great. Oh, and I don't know many techniques. So I guess I'm a brawler type, right?"

"No apprentice of mine is going to be a brainless brawler, kid. What can you do that other genin can't?"

"Umm, I can turn into a girl? Come to think of it, I wonder if I could do anything else with that? Hmm. I'm a lot better at stealth than anyone thinks – I can usually get away from chuunin teams in the village. Oh, and I can make tons of clones, way more than even most jounin. I guess I can call on the fox's chakra as a last-ditch technique, but I don't really like doing that."

"Now we're starting to get somewhere. So what kind of fighting style would make the most of all that? Remember, you want to take advantage of every ability you can, while not exposing any weaknesses."

Surprisingly, she actually thought for a minute before answering.

"Well, first I need to get a lot better at taijutsu and thrown weapons, so my clones are more of a threat. Maybe learn some kind of technique to keep them from getting hit, and work on tactics to keep them from getting wiped out by simple stuff like a big-area jutsu. Then I need some kind of attack jutsu to use on armored guys like Gaara, but it needs to be one that won't blow away my clones when I use it."

Remembering Lee's fight with Gaara reminded the blonde of the rest of the first round of fights, and gave her more ideas. "More speed would be good, so I can avoid attacks and get in close with ranged types like Temari. Some way to blow stuff up without having to have my hands free, for getting out of grappling attacks like Gaara's sand coffin. Hmm. Most ninja are guys, so I could use girl-clones and play up the sexy thing to take out the perverts."

She mulled the idea over for a moment. "Hey, yeah, that could work really well. Girls can be scary, but they usually can't take a hit, and if my style is all speed and clones they'll expect me to go down with one punch when they finally catch me. So there's all kinds of ways to play with their heads and catch them off guard, especially if I could throw in some illusions. Hey, that'd be even better if I had some kind of armor technique or big explosion of death thing – no one would expect that!"

_Ok, so maybe the kid isn't hopeless after all, _Jiraiya mused_. I guess Kakashi just hadn't gotten around to this yet._

"Not bad, kid. You underestimate the value of a good distraction technique, and you missed the grappling and infiltration angles, but that's pretty much the plan."

--oOoOo--

The next day Jiraiya didn't show up until long after breakfast, having spent a late night with several ladies of dubious reputation. He arrived to find not two, but five identical kunoichi at the lake. One was repeating yesterday's physical conditioning training, and two more practiced taijutsu forms on the lake while the forth lobbed the occasional kunai or shuriken at them. The fifth seemed to be practicing a ninjutsu technique, but she wasn't having much luck with it.

_Going for a five-way training split, eh? Ok, kid, let's see if you can pull it off._

Jiraiya plucked a kunai from the missile-thrower's hand and inspected it critically. "Where'd you get this piece of crap, kid? Is this pig iron? Never mind, you're never going to get anywhere with this junk. Go buy some real kunai, and I'll show you how to throw them right."

She hesitated, about to point out that none of the ninja suppliers in Konoha were going to sell decent gear to the Kyuubi brat, when a thought struck.

_Wait, I'm supposed to stay a girl for the month, so he means go like this. A henge wouldn't fool the old geezers who run the shops for long, but my girl form is real. So that means…yeah, the shop-keepers aren't ninja, so they won't know about that stupid "the demon brat has to wear orange so we can see him coming" rule! As long as none of the ninja give me away I can shop anywhere!_

"Sure thing, sensei!" She smiled brilliantly and dashed away towards the village, leaving a puzzled Sannin scratching his head.

Dismissing her sudden good cheer with a shrug, he turned to the one with the jutsu problem. "So what the heck are you trying to do anyway?"

"I'm trying to figure out that stupid academy clone technique, so I can make decoys that don't disappear when you hit them. But I can never get this stupid thing to work!"

"Well, that's not a bad idea, but you're using about a hundred times too much chakra. Here, let me show you the leaf floating technique first. Once you can do that you should be able to dial down your output enough to do a D-rank technique without blowing it up."

--oOoOo--

"Hey, TenTen, you're a weapon expert, right? What kind of thrown weapons do you think a melee type like me should go with?"

TenTen turned from a display of combat wire to regard the strange kunoichi who'd addressed her. Incredible hair, skimpy orange-and-black outfit, a figure to die for…_she's got to be using one of those secret beauty techniques_...maybe sixteen years old. Definitely a stranger, but something about her seemed familiar.

"I'm sorry, have we met?"

"What, like there's another ninja in Konoha who wears orange?" she replied with a wink. "But call me Naruko when I'm like this, ok?"

"Um, ok…."

"Anyway, sorry to bug you, but Jiraiya-sensei wants me to get better gear before he'll work with me on ranged weapons, and I'm not sure how long my shadow clones are gonna keep him busy, so I kind of need to figure this out quick and I don't want to look stupid or waste a bunch of money. So, anyway, what do you think?'

The young weapon mistress was still struggling to keep up with this strange conversation, but some parts were coming in loud and clear. _She's training under one of the Sannin? Wait, she can use multiple shadow clones for more than a few minutes? She's wearing a Konoha forehead protector, but no chuunin vest, and I know all the jounin instructors – jeez, she must be one of those prodigies that go straight into ANBU or the hunter teams. That's how she knows me, she's seen my file! Right, and she must have liked what she saw if she's asking me to help her impress her sensei. This could be a great contact, girl, so don't screw up! _

"Well, I think you'd want something heavy enough to do real damage out to a decent range, but light enough that the weight doesn't slow you down in hand-to-hand…"

Fifteen minutes later Naruko was headed back to the lake with a pouch full of shuriken, a rather nice collection of knives suitable for throwing or wire work, and an agreement to meet her new friend for some private weapon practice in a few days.

--oOoOo--

On the fourth day Jiraiya arrived at the training site just after sunrise, intending to set up a few surprises before his student showed up. He was surprised himself to find a small horde of clones already hard at work. Three were doing katas on the lake, with two more throwing shuriken at them, four practicing on the thrown-weapons range, a pair trying to maintain the leaf-floating exercise while distracting each other, and another calling up and dispersing mixed groups of clones, all while the original did her morning workout.

_Damn, how much chakra does this kid have? _He considered this new development with amusement_. Looks like the kid's got a real affinity for clones alright. Well, if she can really run this many at once we can afford to spend some of her time on non-combat training…_

--oOoOo--

"Hey, Ayume, pops, how's it going?"

The breakfast rush was over, and the small ramen stand was deserted. Ayume stared momentarily, and then grinned at the unexpected visitor.

"Naruto, is that you? What are you up to now, you little scamp?"

"Heh, yeah, but I have to go by Naruko when I'm like this. It's a training thing. So, I was wondering, could you guys teach me to cook? I could work here for free to pay you back…"

"Hah! You'd eat us out of house and home before I could blink! Besides, didn't you just say you were training?"

"No, see, I'm a shadow clone, so I can't actually eat. Or, well, I guess I could but what's the point? But I can make lots of clones, and I remember everything they do, so it's just like the real me. Come on, guys, I just want to be able to eat something better than instant ramen on missions and stuff. Please?"

She turned up the puppy eyes, and Ayume snickered. "Ok, ok, I'll teach you to cook. But you have to take the early shift to pay me back, ok?"

"Deal!" _Alright, mission accomplished! Just you wait, old pervert, I'll show you I can do this infiltration stuff._

--oOoOo--

"Hey, Jiraiya-sensei, how come you won't let me train with more clones? I could put a couple hundred on that leaf-splitting thing easy."

"What, so you can learn the same thing a hundred times every day, and get burned out in a week? Don't be stupid, kid. There's no point in having more than three or four clones working on the same thing at once, unless you can figure out a way for each one to be doing it a different way. And don't try to do that on your own either! You're not ready to practice anything without an instructor yet, you'd just teach yourself bad habits."

"Man, that sucks. Hey, what if you made some clones too…"

"So you can give yourself brain damage from psychic shock before you die of chakra exhaustion? No! Now quit bitching and come at me."

--oOoOo--

"Hey, closet pervert, show me something cool." Naruto was still in girl-form, and the combination of pleading puppy-eyes and exited bounce packed considerable punch.

But Ebisu simply scowled at the disguised genin. "After you ditched me to pester Jiraiya-sama? I think not. I only agreed to train you as a special favor to Kakashi, and that hardly covers your inexcusable rudeness. Now stop bothering me, I have real students to teach."

--oOoOo--

"Hey, Sakura, want to train together?"

"Naruto, is that you? What are you doing with that perverted jutsu!"

Pow!

Poof!

Sakura's eyebrow twitched as the clone dispersed in a puff of smoke, and she stalked away muttering. "That Naruto! Just wait till I catch him! So embarrassing!"

On a nearby rooftop the clone's backup decided it might be a good idea to avoid the hot-tempered girl for awhile.

--oOoOo--

Naruko threw three shuriken with a single motion, and cheered as all three sank into the middle of their targets. "Hey, TenTen, thanks for helping me out."

"No problem, Naruko. You're picking this up really fast you know."

The clone perched in a tree across the clearing made a duplicate, and immediately dispelled it. On the other side of Konoha four more clones paused on receiving the memories, and gave each other a big thumbs-up before turning back to their shuriken practice.

--oOoOo--

And so the pattern was established. Every day Jiraiya would drill the clones on their existing skills, and show them the beginnings of a new one. By the next day Naruto would add a few more clones to practice the new skill, and as their numbers grew even the aloof toad sage began to feel some concern.

"New rule, kid. From now on, I want you to have one clone goofing off somewhere for every six you've got training here."

"Huh? But I thought you didn't want me making too many clones? Besides, if they're not training what would I have them do?"

"Hell, I don't care. Visit your friends, read a book, hang out at the hot springs and check out the girls. Anything that doesn't use too much chakra. I just don't want you burning out on me because you've done a year's worth of training in two weeks without a break. Oh, but make sure you don't ever dismiss more than three or four of them at once – you've got a real talent with clones, but I don't want you knocking yourself out with psychic shock or something."

"Um, ok. I guess that makes sense."

Lacking any real friends other than Sasuke (who was off training) and Sakura (who she didn't dare approach in female form), and not wanting to draw too much attention with pranks, Naruto was forced to look for new sources of amusement.

One clone actually went to the library, and found it much less intimidating when the librarian wasn't chasing her out for being the "damned demon brat". She was amused to discover they had several books about her sensei's career, and decided to read one. This led naturally to the history of the Sannin and Orochimaru's expulsion, the Kyuubi attack, the careers of the previous Hokages, and all sorts of interesting tales. Soon she was showing up as twins so 'Naruko' and 'Naoko' could spend the day exploring this unexpected gold mine of intelligence. Who would have thought you could learn so much from books?

Meanwhile, others hesitantly tried to befriend the other genin she'd met in the exam. TenTen was thrilled with the overtures of friendship from the older girl she'd decided must be a hunter nin, and both amused and impressed by her habit of showing up as twins. Oddly, they talked about everything but their actual ninja careers – TenTen preferred not to dwell on Lee's hospitalization or Neji's pig-headedness and assumed Naruko's exploits would be classified, while Naruto didn't want to remind his new friend that he'd placed in the chuunin exam finals when she hadn't. But the two orphans found plenty of other things to talk about, and soon became fast friends.

Naruto's other efforts met with little success. Shikamaru was busy with his own training (or avoiding it), Kiba recognized his scent and proclaimed he was still pissed about the way their match turned out, and Ino (forewarned by Sakura) delivered a stern lecture about his obviously perverted hobbies before popping the hapless clone.

The clone that visited Hinata in the hospital received a friendlier reception, but the shy girl was so tongue-tied in Naruto's presence that it was hard to spend much time there. They quickly agreed to begin training together once Hinata was cleared to practice again, but the doctors insisted it would be at least two weeks before the injured girl could safely do anything more strenuous than walking to the bathroom.

Contemplating the fact that she'd have healed from the same injuries in a day, Naruto realized for the first time just how fragile her precious people were.

_There's got to be something I can do about that. What if we were on a mission and Sakura got hurt? But everyone says you need great chakra control to learn medical jutsu, and mine sucks._

_But there's all these ways to train to improve it…_

"All right" She smacked her fist into her palm and nodded in determination. "I'm going to learn perfect control, no matter what! Then I can learn all those healing jutsu, so I can save my precious people if they ever need it!"

--oOoOo--

As the sun set on the end of their first week of training, Jiraiya called a halt and ordered his student to disperse her clones.

"Alright, kiddo, it's time to see what you've learned. First I want you to start with kata one and run through everything you've got, fast and precise. Ready? Go!"

Naruto was actually a bit sweaty from the day's work, but even running twenty clones from sunrise to sunset hadn't seriously taxed her reserves. Jiraiya watched intently as she assumed her place on the lake, and began working her way through the basic kata of the Heaven's Fist Style.

_Hmm. Still a little ragged, but she's finally starting to flow through the motions instead of that herky-jerky shit. Balance is coming along, and her speed's way up._

The blonde kunoichi reached the first jutsu kata, and called a half-dozen mixed clones with a casual gesture. There was a bare second's pause as each clone caught its place, and joined the coordinated assault on an imaginary opponent.

_Quicker on the seals, but still too much smoke. Damn if she doesn't still have chakra to burn, though. Maybe I should start her on an attack technique? Rasengan would be perfect if she can master it, and even if she can't the training will help her control._

The next kata added in Jiraiya's beloved 'distraction techniques', and he paused in his evaluation to enjoy every bounce and wiggle of the clone team as they darted across the water.

_Ah, this is what I love about teaching, _he thought to himself_. Any opponent who stops to enjoy this is going to get killed in a heartbeat, but dear old sensei gets to watch the whole show. She's a natural at this, too. I thought she'd take months to master that punch-bounce-kick maneuver, let alone get the flexibility for the panty-shot high kick._

_Wait a minute. There's no way she was flexible enough to do that a week ago, and it takes a couple of months to improve your range of motion enough to matter._

"Halt!"

Four clones managed to freeze in place, but the fifth lost her balance and went careening into the sixth. Both vanished in a puff of smoke, but Jiraiya ignored the display as he strode onto the lake to examine them at close range.

_I should have noticed this sooner. Calves and thighs more defined, a hint of muscle starting to show in the belly, that extra bit of perkiness to the breasts – exactly what my exercise regime is supposed to produce, but this is at least six months' worth of progress!_

"Naruto, have you been experimenting with your transformation technique?"

"No, sensei." The original replied. "I haven't had time."

"You're sure? Nothing different about how you apply it? Maybe your visualization has changed?"

"Um, you do remember you said I had to stay like this, right sensei? It only took me a few hours to figure out how to recharge it without letting it drop, and I haven't changed back since."

"Interesting…" _My god, what an infiltration technique. But if she's recharging it continuously…is she somehow adjusting her form to suit the training?_ "Can you make changes without dropping and re-forming the technique? Say, make your hair longer?"

"Sure." Forming a quick ram seal she closed her eyes in concentration, and a moment later her hair began to grow. In a moment it reached to her knees, and she released her concentration.

_Bingo_. "Not bad, kiddo. Ok, enough kata. You've got two minutes to set an ambush in the woods, then I'm coming in after you.

--oOoOo--

The second week was the most exhausting period of Naruto's young life. Armed with a better understanding of his pupil's remarkable abilities, Jiraiya increased her training weights every day instead of the more usual weekly or monthly schedule. By the end of the week the real Naruto was training 10-12 hours per day while wearing gravity-seal weights set to 50lb each. Her physical abilities were improving at an amazing rate, but the grueling regime left her sore and aching every night despite her regeneration.

Then there was the Rasengan training. She was thrilled when her teacher first demonstrated the technique, imagining herself taking down tough guys like Gaara with one hit. But training on an A-rank technique burned so much chakra she actually had to replace the clones every hour or so, and by the end of the day it was a struggle to perform even piddling little academy techniques. Jiraiya was impressed when she mastered the first stage of the training in only two days, but she was so drained she could barely stand.

As if that weren't enough, there was that stupid leaf-floating thing. She thought she'd mastered it in a couple of days, but no, the old man was never satisfied! First he had her do it while he threw shuriken at her as a 'distraction'. Then while water-walking. Then while water-walking and doing kata. Then two at once. By now the slave driver expected her to keep three going all the time, one over each hand and one above her head, even while sparring or learning new techniques.

"I swear, he's driving me nuts." She complained to TenTen one evening. "I'm starting to have dreams about those stupid floating leaves!"

TenTen giggled. "Oh, come on, it can't be that bad. You've only been doing this for a week, right?"

"Yeah, but I'm running about thirty clones at a time now, so it feels like months."

"Thirty? Damn, girl, you're something else! So, um, I guess I shouldn't ask you to show me how to do it, then?"

"Arg! No, no more leaves! If you want techniques, come down to the river with me and I'll show you water walking."

"Really? That's great! Thanks, Naruko, I'd love that!"

It took another four grueling days before Naruto managed to produce a working Rasengan, and even then she had to cheat by having two clones collaborate on the elaborate chakra construct. Jiraiya inspected the boulder she'd tried it on with a disappointed air.

"See how the gouge goes off to the side, and the width varies? That means your sphere was lopsided, and the internal layers weren't centered properly. I guess I'll call it a Rasengan since it actually did some damage, but if you do it right it should drill a nice even hole all the way through."

"Damn it, how do you get it so perfect?"

"Lots of practice, babe. Look, the two-clone trick was clever but you'll never really master the technique that way. Even clones can't merge their chakra perfectly, and what does the Heaven's Fist style say about special melee techniques?"

"It has to be fast and flawless, sensei. If you can't do it perfectly in a heartbeat the other guy's going to kill you while you're busy making seals."

"Exactly. You need to back off a little on this to free up chakra for other things, but I want you to keep a couple of clones working on it. Try keeping the sphere stable in your hands instead of hitting things with it. Once you can hold it for a few minutes without it falling apart you should be ready to make one without a clone."

"No problem. At this rate I'll have it down in a few more days, easy." Forming a fresh pair of clones, Naruto sent them off to perfect her new technique. "So, what are we going to be doing that I need a lot of chakra for?"

"Chakra scalpels. Your control's not up to using them for surgery, but it's a decent backup weapon and good prep for the wind techniques I'm going to put you on as soon as you get that leaf splitting down. Speaking of which, any luck yet?"

"Ah, sort of." The blond kunoichi rubbed the back of her head in embarrassment. "Sometimes I can get it to split, but it takes forever and it doesn't always work. I keep feeling like I'm doing it wrong, but I can't figure out what the problem is."

"Hmm. Normally I'd get Asuma to give you a few pointers, but you could end up fighting his student in the exam. I don't suppose you want to try seducing the secrets of wind use out of that little Sand Country hottie?"

Naruto briefly pictured the possibilities inherent in Naruko, Naoko and Temari sharing a bed, and blushed. "She's hot, but what do I know about seducing girls? I'd just piss her off and then she'd try to kill me. Besides, I'm supposed to stay a girl for…the…oh, man, you are such a pervert."

"I notice it didn't take you long to get the idea, kid. But you're right, you're not ready for that. Although…" The Sannin trailed off, thinking.

"What?" Naruto wasn't sure what the old man was thinking, but he actually looked serious for once. After a minute he slowly nodded to himself, and began unrolling a storage scroll.

"Naruto, I think I'm going to give you a little opportunity here. I'm sure you kids joke around about perverted jutsu sometimes, but what you may not realize is that such things actually exist. You don't see them used much because they don't work well in combat, and not many ninja have time to study a difficult art that isn't going to help them kill people and break things. But you've got plenty of time."

Finally reaching the point he'd been looking for, the Sannin pricked his thumb and pressed it against an elaborate seal. A small scroll appeared in a puff of smoke.

"This scroll contains the basic techniques of a school as deep and flexible as the Heaven's Fist, but focused on things most Konoha kunoichi would slap you for even thinking about. Master it, and I'll give you the next set. Ignore it, or burn it, and I'll never mention it again."

"Ummm…" At a loss for words, Naruto hesitantly accepted the scroll. "Wait, you're putting me on, aren't you? If you really had techniques like that you wouldn't get in so much trouble."

"Sure, kid. Everyone knows Jiraiya's a pathetic skirt-chasing old booze hound, so he's easy enough to handle. You just use your kunoichi seductress types to keep an eye on him and steer him where you want him to go, and if you ever need to take him out you have one of them poison his sake. I guess I've only lived this long out of luck, or because I never pissed of the wrong people."

"Or maybe it's all a front, to hide the fact that I'm a master of forbidden techniques that can turn the most hardened kunoichi into a devoted love-slave in a single night. But then again everyone knows that kind of mind control is impossible, so it must be a crazy story I made up to try to hide my own weaknesses. Better yet, maybe the whole issue is a distraction I set up so people wouldn't think about my real hidden powers and weaknesses. Aren't ninja mind games fun?"

"If you want to know the truth, read the scroll. Eventually you'll figure it out. But enough of that. Here's how the Chakra Scalpel technique works…"

--oOoOo--

At the end of the week Jiraiya called another demonstration to review his student's progress. This time the kunoichi's movements were graceful and fluid as she flashed through her kata with newfound speed. When she called clones they appeared with barely a gesture, stepping immediately into place to carry out coordinated attacks as if guided by telepathy. Her Rasengan was still slow, requiring both hands and several seconds of concentration, but at least she no longer needed a clone's help to pull off the technique.

When it was over the Sannin clapped her on the back and beamed. "Good job, babe. We've finally got your taijutsu up to high-genin level, and you're fast enough to make an enemy work a little to pop your clones. That's enough of a foundation build on, so tomorrow we're going to start on the technique that'll let you kick that Hyuuga kid's ass."

Naruto cheered and ran off to celebrate in her usual boisterous way, but as the training field emptied a pair of clones hesitantly approached the old man.

"Um, sensei?" One of them began. "This is really embarrassing, but, well, I read the scroll."

"And?" the Sannin responded with a raised eyebrow.

The second clone muttered "Oh, hell," and hugged her twin. "Affectionate Embrace!"

The target's eyes widened in alarm, then fluttered as she sagged involuntarily into her attacker's arms. "Ohh, you bitch. Don't you dare-"

"Kiss of Surrender". The kiss was deep, passionate, all-consuming, and continued until the 'victim' was trembling with desire and a noticeable wet spot had developed on her tight orange shorts.

Finally the two clones came up for air, and the one who'd started the demonstration spoke again. "I've got Grip of Ecstasy working too, but I'm not desperate enough to strip my twin down and do it in public just so you can watch."

"I am!" The other clone gasped out. "My god, don't do that and just leave me hanging!"

Frowning, Jiraiya touched the panting girl's forehead and made a series of one-handed seals. Her arousal vanished instantly at his touch, leaving an icy calm in its place.

The clones exchanged a surprised look, before turning to stare at their teacher.

"Yeah, I guess I deserve that. Look, kid, you're my apprentice, not some skanky bitch who tried to poison my drink in a bar. Just because I like to make training fun doesn't mean I want you doing anything you'll regret in the morning. You understand?"

"Yeah." Replied one clone.

"Thank you." Offered the other. "It's….um…kind of scary how easy it is to get lost in these techniques."

"That's why most people fear them, and try to stamp them out. But they're also a powerful tool, especially for someone with your talents. So, you've taken your first step. Do you want to back out, or learn more?"

Both girls looked away nervously. "Um, learn more?"

"Great! Then here, this scroll has the basic defensive techniques to counter the sort of thing you've been learning. When you can ignore your own Affectionate Embrace we'll start working on something serious. Oh, and kid?"

"Yes?"

"Don't forget, the power of these techniques is pretty sensitive to the difference between your chakra level and your target's. With those massive reserves of yours you're going to have to be careful not to overdo it, especially if you decide to play around with any of your friends."

"Hey! I wouldn't do that!"

He sighed. "Kid, real girls enjoy this stuff just as much as you do. The ones your age just aren't going to admit it, because they've all been taught not to. Now get out of here – that counter I used on you is going to run out in about ten minutes, and I don't think you want to be out here in the woods when that happens."

"Oh, shit! Um, yeah, bye!"

--oOoOo--

Jiraiya kicked off the third week with a lecture on chakra strings. At first Naruto didn't see the point – why would you bother with a special technique for holding things, instead of just using your hands?

Then the toad sage demonstrated controlling four kunai at a time with each hand, and pointed out that each clone in a melee team could use her own set.

"Whoa! That's awesome, sensei! I could have one group hand-to-hand and another stabbing from a few feet away, without hitting myself or running out of ammo. Hey, I could trip people with these things, or make a net, or – wait, is this how that Sand guy was controlling his puppet? Does that work on people too?"

"Hah ha! Yes, you can do all of that if you're good enough, even control an opponent's limbs. It's also a good chakra control exercise, so between this and Rasengan you may actually have the control to learn genjutsu or medical techniques in a few months."

It wasn't an easy technique to master, and at first Naruto's clones could barely practice for a few minutes without accidentally stabbing themselves. But putting chakra strings to good use was an art involving dozens of different techniques, which made it perfect for mass clone training. After a week of running 20-clone practice sessions the blonde jinchuuriki was using them constantly in sparring practice, and any target that earned a clone team's attention was quickly surrounded by a blizzard of dancing blades. She could only manage one blade with each hand, but that was enough to pull off a lot of nasty tricks with thrown weapons.

"Neji is so gonna get his ass kicked," Naruto remarked one evening over dinner. "Between my new taijutsu, Rasengan and this chakra string stuff he'll never know what hit him."

Jiraiya chuckled. "Just don't get cocky, kid. Remember he can see your chakra strings, so you're not going to fool him with any fancy moves. Just surround him with clones and keep the pressure on until he makes a mistake."

"I know, I know. He'll probably kill a bajillion clones along the way, but I'm gonna beat him if it's the last thing I do!"

"Huh. Sounds like there's something personal about that fight," the toad sage commented.

"Well, yeah," Naruto replied. "He was a complete ass to Hinata in the preliminary round. First he tried to do this big 'you're destiny is to be a pathetic loser' mind trip on her, and then he beat her so bad she's still in the hospital. I promised her I was gonna totally kick his ass for her, and I always keep my promises!"

"Oh, so you're defending your girlfriend's honor," Jiraiya nodded with a smile. "Good for you. Keep training like you have been and I'm sure you'll make her proud."

"Huh? Wait, she's not my girlfriend," Naruto protested. "Not that I'd mind. I mean, she is kind of cute. And nice. Hmm. But she's practically a princess! There's no way she'd be interested in someone like me."

"What, the kid who says he's going to be a Hokage is giving up on a girl over something like that? Yeah, right. I'll bet you an A-rank technique you could have her dating you within a couple of weeks. Hell, I bet you could get two girls dating you in the next month if you put your mind to it."

"An A-rank? You're on!" Naruto declared.


	6. All About Us

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto.

* * *

The three-tailed bijuu's defiant cry echoed from the lake's turbulent waters to the leaden sky above as it broke free of the partially-completed seal. The four kunoichi who had nearly caught the great beast leaped frantically away, skipping across the crashing waves thrown up by its struggles. Shizune glanced about quickly, noting with relief that the rest of her team had apparently escaped unharmed. Sakura and Hinata had handled their parts in the sealing attempt with their typical skill, but Ino had been struggling enough to make her worry.

The gigantic turtle-like monstrosity turned away from them, its attention captured by something on the distant shore of the lake. She halted their retreat and eyed it carefully, wondering if they could take advantage of its distraction to try again.

Ino suddenly staggered, her feet sinking into the water they stood on, and the older kunoichi turned to her in alarm. The Yamanaka clutched her head and groaned, wobbling unsteadily for several seconds before she regained control of her water walking technique.

"Ow. Shit, why does this always have to hurt so much?" She complained.

Sakura stepped closer, and held a hand to her head with a diagnostic jutsu running. "Was that sealing jutsu too much for you, Ino-pig?" She asked archly.

Instead of answering, Ino threw her arms around the Sakura's neck and kissed her. Hinata gasped in shock and backed away from the pair while Shizune looked on in confusion. Sakura froze for a long moment. Then she sighed, and melted into the curvaceous blonde's arms.

"Um, girls, this really isn't the time…" Shizune said uncertainly. The pair broke apart, both grinning like they'd just pulled off the biggest prank in history.

"All here and stable?" Ino asked Sakura, ignoring the older medic-nin completely.

"You bet," Sakura replied. "Thanks for the ride, sweetie."

"W-what did you just d-do?" Hinata stuttered hesitantly. "Y-you hardly l-look like yourselves."

"Alternate Life Soul Transference," Ino answered nonchalantly. Then she looked down at herself and grimaced. "Did I never bother to work out in this life, or what? Don't tell me I'm going to have to train myself up all over again."

Sakura took in their surroundings and smiled. "No worries, I recognize this scene. There's a great big chakra battery right over there, so I'll have us fixed up in no time." Then she wrapped an arm around her companion's slender waist, and they both vanished in a swirl of…sakura petals?

Shizune stared at the spot where they'd been for a moment, and scratched her head.

"Well, that was odd. Can you see where they went, Hinata?"

The Hyuuga girl pointed at the distant bijuu. "On it's back."

--oOoOo--

Naruto had been fully prepared to fight the three-tailed beast to protect Yukimaru, but it was a bit of a relief when the gigantic monster suddenly stopped and began to thrash around aimlessly. It was awfully big, after all, and he wasn't actually sure he could beat it without calling on the Kyuubi. But when it howled in agony and started spitting out water attacks at random he decided he'd better find out what was going on.

The creature paid no attention to his approach, but a few hundred yards away he realized there was something happening on its back. There was a massive flare of chakra up there, so big even he couldn't miss it, like someone was standing on the thing's back throwing S-rank jutsu around. But he didn't see anything happening.

Intrigued, he threw out a few dozen shadow clone decoys and worked his way closer. The mutant turtle monster finally noticed him when the first clones started climbing its sides, but by then he was close enough to evade its attacks without too much trouble. He arrived on its broad back to find a pink-haired figure bending over a prone blonde.

"Sakura-chan?" He blurted in surprise.

She whirled to face him, a long crystalline sword coalescing from the air as she turned. He noticed seals forming along the length of the transparent blade for a split-second, before his brain locked on to a much more pertinent detail of the scene.

Sakura had boobs!

Not that he hadn't thought she was beautiful before, but now she looked like a comic-book superhero version of herself. Waist-length hair floated dramatically in the breeze, framing enough lithe curves to inspire a dozen Icha Icha novels. He absently noted that the blonde was an equally exotic version of Ino, but most of his brain was busy looping on the 'Sakura + boobs = OMFG hotness!' equation.

"Oh, hi Naruto." Sakura smiled, and sheathed the diamond blade in a scabbard that hadn't been there a second ago.

"Whoa," he babbled. "Sakura, you're beautiful!"

She chuckled. "Come over here before you give us away, goof. I've got a genjutsu up to keep the bijuu from figuring out where we are."

"Uh, ok," he replied agreeably. Get closer to super-babe Sakura? No problem! Hey, she even smiled at him.

Several portions of Naruto's disused brain were jumping up and down waving red flags by this point, and one of them managed to get a question routed to the brain-mouth interface.

"So, uh, what are you doing?"

"Powering up, of course," Ino commented.

Sakura nodded. "Yeah. We're from an alternate world where Akatsuki won years ago, and they've pretty much destroyed civilization. But Ino's technique could only transfer our souls, so I'm using the three-tail's chakra to rebuild our bodies to what we're used to. Apparently our local counterparts never bothered with any serious training."

"We were too busy fighting over Sasuke," Ino giggled. "I can't believe how clueless we can be when we're kids."

Naruto frowned and scratched his head. "Huh?" He asked inarticulately. "I don't get it."

Sakura gave him a startled look. Then she held a hand to his head, and gasped at the results of her diagnostic jutsu. "Oh my god! They never fixed the seal in this world!"

Ino sat up with a look of concern. "You're kidding? How could they possibly miss that?"

"I don't know, but…here, sit down, Naruto. I'll take care of it right now."

"Ok, Sakura," Naruto said as he sat at her feet. "But what are you talking about?"

"There's a flaw in the seal that holds the Kyuubi, Naruto," Ino answered as Sakura started a complex set of hand seals. "Some of its chakra leaks out directly into your brain every few hours, and eats holes in it. When you call up your chakra in a fight your regeneration fixes it, but that still means you're walking around with major brain damage most of the time. In our world Tsunade figured that out and got Jiraiya to put a patch on the seal to keep it from happening."

Naruto's eyes went wide. "Oh. Wow, that explains a few things. So, you're Ino and Sakura from the future?"

Ino bit her lip and looked pained. Sakura sighed. "Something like that," she said. "There, that should do it for now. If you ever have to call out the Kyuubi my seal work will probably get broken, so be sure to tell Jiraiya and Tsuande about this so they know to fix it again."

"Sure thing!" The blonde idiot burbled cheerfully. "Hey, does this mean I'm going to get smarter now?"

"In our world you were a Kage-level seal master," Ino answered uncomfortably. "Sakura?"

"He'll be fine, sweetie. The damage will heal in a few days, and the way he uses clones I bet he'll be up to where he should be in a few months. You do use shadow clones for training, right Naruto?"

"Oh, yeah, Kakashi-sensei showed me that one."

"There, you see?" Sakura went on reassuringly. "We'll have our 'Naruto-sama' back in no time."

Ino smiled in relief. "Good."

"So…we're friends in the future?" Naruto asked the blonde kunoichi.

"More than that. The three of us were teammates after Konoha fell, and we were definitely a 'full benefits' team," she explained with a flirtatious grin. "Of course, that was before we tracked down Sasuke and made him marry us."

Naruto looked stunned. "We were…wait, you married Sasuke? Both of you? Damn it, why does that bastard get to have both of the cutest girls in Konoha?"

Sakura giggled. "Oh, please. Does the name Shion ring any bells? Not to mention Hinata, Yuki, Guren and more fan-girls than I can count. You're the last guy who has anything to complain about when it comes to girls."

Ino clasped her hands together and did her best doe-eyed expression. "Oh, Naruto-sama, you're so strong and kind and wonderful! Please, won't you do me on the kitchen table while my twin sister watches!"

"Yeah, that's about what most of them sound like," Sakura confirmed. "I think every kunoichi you've ever fought wants to be your mother or your wife, so if you're not getting any action it's your own fault. Besides, it's not like we'd turn down a booty call now and then."

"Oh, hell no," Ino confirmed. "Infinite endurance plus shadow clones? Pure win. But we've got things to take care of before we head back to Konoha."

"Really? I wonder what those things might be?" Kabuto materialized in a swirl of leaves, and eyed the three Konoha ninja curiously. "That's quite a series of jutsu you've been working, Sakura. I'm sure Orochimaru-sama will be quite curious where a chuunin learned such exotic techniques."

Sakura favored him with a vicious grin as her hand drifted back to the hilt of her sword. "Oh, look, it's Orochimaru's little uke-boy. And he's trying to be intimidating! Oh no, I'd better spill all my secrets right away or he'll…um… he'll monologue at me, that's what he'll do!"

The older medic-nin frowned in exasperation. "Really, Sakura, you're obviously more mature than you pretend. Must you stoop to such childish tactics-"

His reply was cut short as Sakura blurred into a lightning-fast iajustu strike that nearly cut him in half. He leaped away, already drawing a kunai with one hand and forming a seal with the other. Unfortunately he landed on Ino's shadow, and immediately found himself paralyzed."

"I've got to remember to thank this world's Shikamaru for showing me that technique," Ino commented cheerfully. "Now, let's see what you're hiding in that twisted little mind of yours."

Beads of sweat appeared on Kabuto's forehead as he futilely tried to fight off the blonde kunoichi's mental invasion. Sakura put an arm around her to support her as her eyes went blank, then raised a hand wreathed in medical chakra to their prisoner's chest.

"Nope, no unconsciousness jutsu for you," she said. "No adrenaline rush to break the shadow bind, and definitely no suicidal chakra-detonation move. Oh, look, he had a rez technique prepped, just like his boss. Too bad I can break the chakra link."

"Wow," Naruto said. "You two are kind of scary now."

"You would be too, if you'd spent fifteen years playing cat-and-mouse with a bunch of S-rank enemies," Sakura explained. "In our world they call us the Angels of Death, and the surviving villages all have flee-on-sight orders out on us. Of course, you were even better before you got yourself killed taking down Madara."

"Got it!" Ino announced as she returned to her own body. "The snake-freak's current hideouts and schedule, Sasuke's location, and a bunch of stuff about their plans. Oh, and I stole his medical techniques for you too, but I think yours are better."

"Probably, but I'll look over his memories later just to be sure. Say goodnight, uke-boy."

This time he couldn't dodge.

--oOoOo--

"So the legend about the ultimate Yamanaka technique is true," Kakashi said slowly. "Projecting your soul across time and space like that is quite a feat. But I thought you could only send yourself?"

"Yeah, I had to invent a better version of the technique," Ino answered casually. "I never could have done it alone. But Sakura and I trust each other enough to do a full soul-merge, and with her perfect control we can pull off all kinds of crazy tricks. We've been hopping around for years now trying to find a timeline that wasn't hopelessly screwed up, but I think this world will work."

"I'm pretty sure it will," Sakura confirmed. "Now that the transition shock's settled down I've gotten back most of my local self's memories, and I don't see any problems we can't handle. Sasuke is alive, Orochimaru won't have tried to possess him yet, the Kyuubi is still bound, and the Akatsuki haven't gotten their hands on anything above two tails."

Both girls were still surrounded by visible auras of swirling blue chakra, leakage from the power theft jutsu Sakura had worked on the three-tailed bijuu. The giant turtle had retreated to its pocket dimension to recover from its wounds, where Akatsuki wouldn't be able to reach it any time soon. Kakashi was willing to count that as a successful mission, and he suspected the Hokage would agree.

Shizune stood a few paces back, holding a whispered conversation with Hinata. At first she'd been impressed by the changes her own senses and the Hyuuga girl's Byakugan had detected, but that had quickly given way to awe and a bit of fear. It simply wasn't possible to rebuild the body's entire chakra system on command, and yet that's exactly what Sakura had apparently done. When their stolen chakra was fully integrated she and Ino would probably be the most powerful kunoichi in the world.

"Of course, Naruto is almost as strong," Hinata whispered, as if that was going to make the older medic-nin happier about the situation.

"Great. I guess we'd better hope they really are on our side, then. See anything else interesting?"

Hinata nodded. "Oh, yes. Their chakra mingles freely when they touch, and there's a connection even when they don't. I think it's some kind of soul bond." She sighed, and smiled wistfully. "How romantic."

Shizune face-palmed. "Hinata, I'm a little more worried about practical issues right now."

Ino should have been too far away to hear, but apparently she had ears like an Inuzuka now. "Don't worry, Shizune, we aren't evil infiltrators here to destroy Konoha or anything," she reassured the older kunoichi with a laugh.

"That's good to know," Kakashi cut in smoothly. "Now, why don't you tell us what you are here for? It must have been vital to justify using such a risky technique."

"That's true," Shizune agreed thoughtfully. "But in that case it might be safer to wait until you can explain to Tsunade in person."

The two girls shared an amused look, before breaking out into giggles.

"They think…we're here…for Konoha?" Ino gasped out.

"Sure, like they need our help," Sakura snickered. "All they've got now is the biggest ninja force in the Elemental Countries, and two Sannin, and Naruto…"

"…and Shikimaru…" said Ino.

"Right, and the whole genius generation," Sakura went on. "Yeah, there's no way they can beat Madara on their own. Oh, wait, they've got Suna too, and most of the minor powers…"

"…thanks to Naruto's little 'saving foreign rulers' thing." Ino finished.

They both giggled again, and Kakashi looked a bit put out."Alright, then, why are you here?"

"We were trapped in a permanent Tsukiyomi," Sakura explained. "It was the only sure way out. Besides, everyone we care about was dead there. This way we get another chance."

"Yeah," Ino agreed. "This time we're going to save Sasuke before Orochimaru drives him completely nuts, and make him see what a good thing he's got. Maybe if we're actually strong enough to help him with his goals we can make it work…"

"…and if not, at least we'll have each other." Sakura said.

"But girls, you can't just go running off like that," Shizune objected. "Tsunade would be forced to declare you both missing nins."

Sakura snorted. "Like we care. Tsunade always lets those old bastards on the council walk all over her, and as long as they're running Konoha we're not going back anyway. Now, if she wants to clean house I can tell Sasuke what really caused the Uchiha massacre, and help him get his revenge…"

"Sakura!" Kakashi said sternly. "If you know that much, you should know better than to talk about it."

She shrugged. "Just offering. If not, we'll come back when Naruto makes Hokage. You'd reinstate us, right Naruto?"

"Um, yeah, of course," Naruto agreed. "But are you sure I can't go with you? I'm sure the three of us could convince the bastard to come back!"

Ino's face took on a glazed expression, and a trickle of drool escaped her lips. "Sasuke…and Naruto…hmmm," she murmured.

Sakura bopped her lightly on the head and chuckled. "Get your mind out of the gutter, pervert-chan. Sasuke's not…well, actually…but I'm sure Naruto's not…well, unless he's in girl form…hmmm."

She stopped, and shook her head violently. "No! Sorry, Naruto, but this is our chance to make our dream come true, and we're not going to share. You've got plenty of girls to chase, you don't need to poach our guy."

Naruto turned rather green. "What! That's not what I meant!"

Ino giggled. "Maybe not, but that's definitely what we're up to. You can have your rival back after we're done screwing some sense into him."

"Yeah, we've done enough self-sacrifice to last a dozen lifetimes," Sakura agreed. "This time around, it's all about us. See you later, everyone."

They vanished in a swirl of sakura petals, leaving two sputtering jounin and a gaggle of rather befuddled chuunin behind. As confusion gradually gave way to a babble of discussion Naruto scratched his head, and edged over to the Hyuuga heiress.

"Hey, Hinata-chan," he asked quietly. "What's a 'booty call?'"


End file.
